I love the holidays. When else can you, guilt-free, gorge yourself on a variety of tasty, high-calorie, holiday recipes, drink yourself into blindness, and strangle your annoying uncle Fester during the traditional family get-together?
Ah, yes – the holiday family get-together. A time when your beloved family and relatives gather to remind you why you live alone.
Is it just me or do holiday family get-togethers suck? Here’s a glimpse of how mine usually turn out.
The police have taken my belligerent grandfather into custody for indecent exposure for peeing on the lighted plastic Santa in the front lawn.
The fire department has gone as the smoldering remains of my parent’s patio reminds us all of why Uncle Bob should never be allowed to prepare the Christmas turkey in the propane-powered deep fryer he got at Cabela’s.
Somebody vomited on the Christmas tree but no one is sober enough to know who did it. The only suspects are my 16 year old cousin Amanda, passed out under the tree and my parent’s 15 year old, half blind, three-legged Cocker Spaniel named Lucky – also passed out under the tree.
My Aunt Betsy is constantly farting and always blaming it on Lucky.
Sooner or later several arguments erupt simultaneously between my aunt’s and their pregnant daughters as to why contraceptives don’t work.
Somebody gets caught cheating in the high stakes poker game taking place in my parent’s basement and a brawl breaks out.
Nobody knows who invited the guy dressed in drag.
Etc., etc., etc.
I can’t wait for the family New Year’s Eve party.
Happy New Year!!!