Thousands of my fans have wanted to know how my path to enlightenment is going. All will be happy to know I've continued in my quest to help others achieve enlightenment and benefit from my new found wisdom.
To date I've helped dozens of people journey down their spiritual path, including an Albanian, circus family suffering from excessive facial and body hair - a condition known as Albanian werewolf syndrome.
So what have I learned so far?
I've found the key ingredients for enlightenment are meditation, tai chi and a higher than normal intake of alcohol.
You wouldn't think alcohol would be part of your journey to Nirvana but it's true. I've specifically found it helpful if you drink seven glasses of wine just before you take a shower. Then proceed to focus all your energy on cleaning parts or your body that have probably not been touched in years and in a manner that is assuredly illegal in most southern states.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
Of course, do not attempt this if you are underage or a recovering alcoholic. In which case I'd recommend substituting the 7 glasses of wine with a banana peal cigarette instead. Because we all know smoking a banana peal is organic and "organic" is good.
Actually, you shouldn't attempt any of this until you've completed my new, home-study course, "30 Days to Enlightenment with a Really Good Buzz." Available at all Walmarts and liquor stores.
Warning: the aforementioned prescription for enlightenment may cause side effects including liver problems, hangovers, nausea and vomiting. Consult your doctor before proceeding. Other side affects may occur so tell your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours, particularly if you are a woman.