So the other day I had a session with my shrink, Dr. Betty Crocker, and she informed me that I apparently have a funny little foot fetish for women's feet. I think I may need to find another doctor.
Out of complete boredom, have you ever just made something up while talking to people? I use to do that when I was Catholic and confessing to my priest and, as you could imagine, that use to get me in a whole lot of trouble. On one occasion the priest actually consider performing an exorcism on my behalf. Rather than tell him I was simply pulling sins out of my ass, I opted instead for a couple dozen Hail Marys and twenty or thirty Our Fathers. Whew!
Anyway, for whatever reason I told my shrink that I didn’t understand why some women really pamper their feet and others don’t. Some women trim their toenails, clean the toe jelly out, clip the hair and paint them up nice while others are content to allow their feet to look like Frodo’s from The Hobbit.
No sooner than I said that, she caught me looking down at her feet which happened to look just like Frodo’s. Oops.
Coincidentally, it was right at that moment that the good doctor began to scold me and tell me how my “foot fetish” was clearly a sign of my inability to have intimate, meaningful relationships with women. Then she slipped off her shoes and attacked me with the longest, sharpest pair of toesnails I had ever seen. It was like fight club with feet and I was at a serious disadvantage.
The cuts I received by Dr. Crocker are healing nicely but I do have reoccurring nightmares and the site of nail polish now tends to make me a little queasy.
Now I’m not saying I have a foot fetish and you can bet I’ll never bring up the subject again with “Lethal feet Betty.” But if I did have a thing for feet, I’d be in good company. Here are a few people alleged to have foot fetishes:
• Tommy Lee
• Marilyn Manson
• Ricky Martin
• Rosie O'Donnell
• Elvis Presley
• Alex Rodriguez
• Christian Slater
• Britney Spears
• Quentin Tarantino
• Andy Warhol
In any event, I’d like to hear from the ladies out there on why you do or do not pamper your feet and if you're a member of a local feet Kung Fu fight club.