All these years, I thought I was a man. Now, I'm not so sure. I learned some deeply disturbing news just last night that has not only rocked me to my core but has caused me to seriously question my own manhood.
Last night in front of the TV as I was intently eating a two pound block of cheese with a six pack of Lonestar beer, a nightly ritual faithfully executed by every real man in America, I learned that Lingerie Super Bowl VI had been canceled. Upon hearing the heinous news, I started to cry like, well, a woman.
The last time I cried that hard was when my lifetime membership was revoked by a local gentlemen’s club, the Yellow Rose, for getting into a fight inside the club with a midget dancer named “Little Woman.” By the way, midgets prefer to be called little people but Little Woman deserves no such respect as she’s just plain mean. Also, be warned that for some strange reason, little people have the strength of like ten gorillas. So beware if you ever get drunk and pick a fight with one.
While it is a serious offense for a man to cry uncontrollably like a baby, it's not what caused me to question my manhood. The fact that I didn't know there was such a thing as a lingerie super bowl much less that five of them had already taken place without my knowledge is what's caused me to become far more introspective of my manliness. I mean c'mon. What kind of man doesn't know that there is such thing as a lingerie super bowl where grown, sweaty, hot women, presumably in lingerie, jiggle around on a football field?
So there is such a thing as lingerie super bowl, to which I knew nothing about and now Super Bowl VI is canceled. Please lord, take me now.
As it turns out, there is an actual Lingerie Football League, The LFL has ten teams and the season opener in Chicago between Miami Caliente and Chicago Bliss is scheduled for September 4, 2009. Shaaaaawing!
The road back to manhood will be long and hard for me but I vow to return.
Gimmie back my mancard!