JB Hager's Blog

It was six and a half years ago I became a father. My wife and I were ready; we had discussed it at great length considering it took time and a team of scientific experts to get pregnant. We read all the parenting literature available. We were level headed adults who felt everything falling into place.

Then the baby came… November 26^th, 2001, a day early. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, but my wife knew something wasn’t “right”. An early Dr. visit turned into an emergency C-section. We almost lost our little girl. Had we waited another day, we would have most likely would have. The surgery saved her and brought into this world a perfect little girl. Within a few days were home and starting our new life as young, proud, optimistic parents. After about 4-5 days our daughter started crying, kept crying and seemed as if it was never going to stop. The crying started on November 30^th at about 6pm and lasted until August of 2002, about nine months! We had given birth to a colicky monster. I don’t think anyone can fully grasp the intensity of colic unless they have lived it. We looked for every solution on earth. Our doctors had no answers; they would just calm us down and tell us it will pass. We bought ever gimmick known to man to help; gas drops, special blankets, clothing, swings, mood cd’s, special lighting, and even a vibration machine that attached to the springs of her crib. Driving helped somewhat. We spent the better half of the year just “driving”.

During this time I was on my first year of an exciting radio job in Dallas. My co-workers had no idea we were falling apart at home. It seemed out of line and selfish to tell anyone, including friends, what was going on. My wife and I could slowly see each other unraveling. Everything became a fog with the lack of sleep. My wife and I were as worried about each other, as much as the baby, but we would both faked being “o.k.” I wanted so badly to let my wife sleep through just one night, but she was determined to breast feed the first year, but was only able to pump far enough ahead so that I could cover one feeding, occasionally. My wife, a person who has always had every single aspect of her life in order, was starting to look very, very scared. She knew the difficulties I was having at work and would try to let me sleep from midnight til 4:30am. I recall her on several occasions waking me up at 4:15 and asking me if she could just sleep for 15 minutes before I left. We hardly recognized each other. She was barely able to eat enough because she was always walking in circles, comforting the baby. My diet had gone to hell out of convenience. Translation; I was porking out, she was withering away. We were desperate, tired, confused and going insane. One thing that we understood was why there are so many stories of shaken babies in the news. We weren’t ever going to hurt her, but we understood that temporary insanity truly does exist. I remember one of my friends calling from Austin, the baby was wailing and I said to him “Don’t EVER have sex with a woman… EVER.” Then I held the phone up the crying. Throughout my life I have always been able to find humor in just about any situation. This was the last time I would be funny for awhile.

As my wife and I slip into pure lunacy, I came home with the news I had just been fired. I was offered my job back in Austin. I packed a suitcase and moved into a LaQuinta in SW Austin. A hotel was no place for a crying baby and two barking dogs. My wife stayed behind in Dallas to show the house to realtors. I would spend the day trying to get my job back to normal and the evenings trying to talk my wife off the ledge. I needed to get them to Austin a.s.a.p. I found a house that was just “o.k.” and offered full asking price. I offered the woman more if she could be out in a week. The day we walked into our new house we wanted to cry because it was such a project, there was almost no way we could move into it. We now had a crying baby, two dogs and house full of workers every day.

At about nine months the crying stopped. For the first time, we felt like we could venture out of the house and re-acclimate ourselves to society. Slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, we started to realize everything was going to be o.k. We hadn’t given birth to Satan’s child after all. Our daughter is six and a half now and an amazing well adjusted child. We felt guilty for so long because of all of the tension and worry she had to pick up from us. It took us years to shake it. This made us realize just how vulnerable our mental health is and what people can take for granted. We didn’t go “over the edge” but we got an awful damn good look over it.

Whenever we meet someone who tells us that they have or have had a baby with colic, I feel an instant connection. If they are going through it right then, I want to hug them and cry with them. Others won’t understand like we do. I would take in a complete stranger’s baby for one night if it meant then could get ONE nights sleep.

The closest I have ever come to killing another person was a “know it all” guy who explained to me that “Colic is a western culture problem and that if you just do the right thing, the problem doesn’t exist.” I considered killing this guy. Doing hard time and getting some rest didn’t seem so bad. My wife and I shared years later that we secretly wished for an illness or injury to hospitalize us during those nine months, just so we could get some sleep.

I know all parents feel like their child is “special”. Very few “special” children almost KILL their parents. We survived! We have grown stronger. I feel like seeing our daughter happy is twice as rewarding because of what we went through. Parenthood is an amazing thing. I don’t know if I would change a thing if I had to do it all over again. I like the way our little girl turned out and maybe the crying had something to do with it. We’re different too. I think we have more understanding and empathy for others. When we talk to new parents and ask if the baby is sleeping, we are genuinely happy when you say yes. It’s not just meaningless chit chat. If they say no, our hearts go out to them in a way that’s immeasurable.

Am I cool enough to live in my own city? Austin’s “hip factor” has spun out of control and finding a neighborhood where you fit in is getting tougher and tougher.

I am going to attempt something that is probably going to upset a lot of people. I am going to attempt to rank Austin’s Coolest Neighborhoods. I imagine anyone that lives in one of these neighborhoods might be a little too close to this subject. I think there are a lot of hip, eclectic neighborhoods in central Austin that are difficult to define. Let this be a newcomers guide to quirky things us long time Austinites are well aware of.

There are many surveys out there that rank neighborhoods on crime, schools, parks, levels of educations, etc… Not me. I’m going for pure hipness. I’m not saying I’m the most in vogue, trendsetter this town has to offer, but I know it when I see it. I love this city and I’m offering my time and knowledge to rank Austin Coolest neighborhoods for you.

10 Tarrytown

Everyone that lives in Tarrytown bitches about the mosquito’s. Once your McMansion was built there shouldn’t be enough yard to have a run in with bugs, quit your bitchin. Big props to T-town for having a strip center owner with the sack to ban meat and leather. I admire the owner for putting her ethics before the almighty dollar. I can cross mopac to get my cabrito, leather belts and boots. I’ll switch to salads, suspenders and aqua socks!

9 Hyde Park

When I was in college, I rented in Hyde Park and always dreamed of living there. This was where hippieville used to thrive. It was the hub of the co-op mentality, the birth of organic, commuting on bikes, buying local etc… And then a bunch of yuppies have come in and Pottery Barned the hell out of it. Quit making it so damn pretty. A porch swing should be rusty, not bedazzled. HP has slipped down my list over the years, but still hangs on to the top ten because musicians are still renting all the garage apartments. Does Mike still have notes posted all over Hyde Park gym like “if your pee pee is too short, please sit down to pee”. Classic.

8 East Austin

I love so many things about East Austin I don’t have the time and space to mention it all. I love the authentic, inexpensive restaurants. I love the neighborhood bars. I love some of the interesting business concepts like Arturo’s Piñata’s y Moffles (mufflers). If you count the trailers serving food and frozen novelites, this neighborhood has to have more restaurants per capita than anywhere else in the city. I just hope the gringo’s moving in there embrace it’s current culture and don’t try to change it.

7 Clarksville/West End

This gets my strongest bid for folks who love location. Everything in this area seems packed in and there are cars everywhere. Either everyone owns about 5 cars apiece or every one of them has offered to house a starving musician…and his van. I get frustrated with Texans for opting for pure square footage. It’s an ego trip or something. This area is the antithesis of that. They are willing to give up space for location. This is one of the few areas not being torn to the ground for a rebuild… and they are not afraid to use outrageous exterior colors or cement bicycles or armadillos to the side of their house. Because of the UT housing in close proximity, you kids might come home speaking Chinese or Russian. Diversity at it’s best.

6 Westlake/Rollingwood

This neighborhood is great if you can tolerate all the political unrest. If only Bob Marley was here to get new and old to shake hands. I’ve learned to appreciate the naturalscape and applaud their efforts to keep it a place that could burst into flames at any moment. I love how the deer just stand there and stare at you as if to say “Go ahead, I’m gonna eff up your Cayenne S and my life sucks anyway…I’d flip you off but I got a damn hoof”. This neighborhood gets props for being more liberal, interesting and eclectic than anyone realizes. Too bad none of the neighbors come within 100 ft of each other.

5 Highland Park West/Balcones

The ONLY thing stopping this neighborhood from numero uno is location and the fact they have to use Mopac to get anywhere. I’m a sucker for well built cool architecture from the 50’s and 60’s and there are some real gems in this hood. I love the mix of young families with bikes, trikes and tree swings in the yard, next to memaw and peepaw making a run to the dumpster with the dirty Depends. It’s one of the least pretentious neighborhoods in the city and I love that so many of them are preserving some of the old school integrity in their homes, although I’ve seen some of my favorite mid-century homes get bulldozed to the ground in a day. Shame on you!

4 Barton Hills

When I bought my last house, Barton Hills was my first choice. Problem is, no one ever leaves so there’s rarely much on the market. I love that there seems to be no social class there. Doesn’t matter how big your house is or what you do for a living. I imagine people having real interesting conversations about real things that matter. I also love that this neighborhood is where all the broken pets seem to have been adopted (one eye, missing leg, perhaps a stutter). My only beef with Barton Hills is that everyone spends their entire paycheck at REI. Too many pockets, backpacks, fanny packs, adventure caps, canteens and co mpasses. It’s creepy.

3 South Congress/South Lamar

When I first moved to Austin this was flat our hookerville. Many Texas politicians are quite sad this area has been cleaned up. They don’t know what to do when in town for legislature anymore. This area is filled with 30 somethings who apparently don’t have to be anywhere at any certain time… EVER. Their days are filled with coffee shop visits and vintage store browsing. Driving through this neighborhood area it is apparent that everyone is a bike messenger or aspires to be one. So will someone, for the life of me, tell me how they can all afford 500,000 dollar homes. Big props to those who haven’t sold out to builders and are hanging onto those 800 sq. ft. homes. Without you, this neighborhood would be ruined by all the newbies.

2 Bouldin Creek

This area just oozes cool. They are in for trouble though. The home prices and new modern homes are going to bring in a ton of people who “think they are cool” and they are going to dork it all up. The art to living in this neighborhood the right way is spending as little as you can on; cars, landscaping, personal hygiene, haircuts, or clothing. If you are going to spend money, spend it on; music fests, piercings, tats, hemp clothing and Eastern medicine. No one in Bouldin works for the Man. I admire that.

1 Travis Heights

I have always wanted to live in this neighborhood but I’m afraid I would never fit in since I don’t have a Kiln. It’s very popular to be a white person with dreadlocks and to look as if you are heading to or from a Renaissance festival. Congratulations on spending more annually on the health of your trees than on yourself. There’s a difference between being “Cool” to attract attention or just “Being Cool”. Travis Heights is the latter and that’s why it’s my pic for Austin’s Coolest Neighboorhood 2008. Too bad I can’t even afford to rent your detached studio.

Honorable mentions… neighborhoods on the rise.

Downtown, Crestview, North Loop.