I can't believe it's already February. In case you missed it, here is the txt from my January article for Rare Magazine. It will make you feel better if you have already stopped your new years resolutions of working out. If you want to see the magazine in PDF, including pics, click here:
I just posted this ad on craigslist.
Average adult white male looking for friends who want to share an average life.
No sports. No running. No cycling. If you have a gym membership, need not apply. If you have a coach or take more than one vitamin, please move on. If in the past 24 hours you have made mention of your heart rate, metabolism, or body fat count, you are not for me.
Do you ever find yourself sore from an evening of drinking, horseshoes, beer pong and general horseplay? You might be my new best friend. Please reply with all pertinent information, although I’m dubious that such a person exist in Austin, Tx.
O.k., I didn’t really post this ad, but I am seriously considering firing all my friends and recruiting all new ones. I’m not sure if it’s just my circle of friends or all of Austin is so fitness obsessed it’s ridiculous. Maybe I need to move to a less fit city. Houston is actually looking rather appealing, having been the top rated “fattest city in America” in several recent years.
Don’t get me wrong. I like fitness. I only do it as a means to enjoy the finer things in life, like Stella Artois, Herradura or the holiday cheese Fiesta from Hickory Farms. It seems as if every year another close friend of mine becomes so fitness crazed they are about as fun as Al Gore at the Burning Man Festival. It’s annoying. It’s as if they have joined a cult. They lose all social skills and become little nutrition robots. Unless you are getting paid to do a sport, it should never define you. If you are known as Bob the Triathlete, and you’ve never won a dollar doing it, someone needs to bludgeon you with a warhammer!
I’ve come up with an official fitness freak loser test. Again, this does not apply to those who get paid for sport, purely amateurs. Answer yes or no to the following questions.
1. My profile picture on myspace, facebook, etc… is me participating in a sport.
2. I have a printed photo of myself larger than 5x7 participating in sports hanging in my house.
3. I won’t have a beer the evening before a race although I typically come in somewhere after 3,000th place each year in the Capital 10k.
4. I have used tape, lube or band aids to to prevent chaffing on my reproductive organs.
5. I have a collection of my event number pin-on’s and or bracelets displayed somewhere in my home.
6. I have talked to my nutritionist, coach and massage therapist all in the same day.
7. I have a tattoo related to my sport of choice somewhere on my body.
8. I am concerned about the color of my pee.
9. I have turned down nookie because it was within 24 hrs of an event.
10. I laugh at fitness infomercials instead of thinking “Hey, the Pubic Shocker”might be just what I need.
If you answered no to all of these, I love you. You are my new best friend.
If you answered yes to 1 or 2 of these, it’s good to see you are taking care of yourself. Drop a workout once in awhile and go tubing on the Guadalupe or something.
If you answered yes to 3-5 of these, it’s really time to get yourself in check, stop wearing Pilates pants to lunch.
If you answered yes to 6 or more, you are a sick F#@$. Get help a.s.a.p. You are annoying and no one wants be around you. You’re probably too busy weighing your food or rubbing Tiger Balm on your ass to even read this.
There was a time when I would have answered yes to more than 6 of these questions. What an annoying human being I must have been. Why didn’t an innocent bystander beat me up? I could have used it. I am officially done sharing my athletic endeavors with innocent bystanders.
The joke used to be on the guy who couldn’t let go of his sports prowess in the past, much like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. Now I think the joke is on the adult who can’t let go of their future accomplishments. No one cares if you are planning an Ironman, Iditarod and Base Jump in Dubai in January. WE DON’T CARE!!!!
