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Jessica Rolls On

jessica_dog.jpgAnd now breaking news about the continuing weight gain of Jessica Simpson... because I have nothing better to do and evidently neither do you. Now normally I would not jump on the band wagon of those eager to report that Jessica has recently been packing on the pounds but as you'll soon discover, this recent development should have some animal lovers in an uproar. Jessica and her spokespeople have denied that she is pregnant and my highly paid informants confirmed that she indeed is not carrying Tony Romo's baby. So what could explain Jessica's weight gain? To explain the mystery we'd have to go back to when Jessica, while eating a Chicken of the Sea ® tuna fish sandwich, asked, "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish?"  She gets a little confused, OK. I have it from a highly unreliable source who happens to be the taxidermist of the brother-in-law of Jessica's hair dresser that apparently Jessica's weight gain is due to an adverse reaction to her eating her dog, Daisy.  The incident occurred during an all night eating binge that included Jessica's consumption of a jumbo box of Ding Dongs ® (including the box), five bags of Uncle Salty's ® potato chips, three gallons of Ben and Jerry's ® Chunky Chicken ice cream, a pack of freshmint Tic Tacs ® and of course a ketchup covered Daisy. When asked why she would eat her beloved dog Daisy, Jessica replied, "Well my housekeeper, Tencha Consuelo Conchita Alonzo had not been grocery shopping for me in days and I was really hungry and depressed and don't hot dogs come from dogs anyway?" Jessica was also asked if she had any regrets regarding her canine consumption to which she replied, "Yeah, I wish I had the orange flavored Tic Tacs ® instead of the minty ones." Jessica could not be reached for comment.



 
02/26/2009 5:57PM
Jessica Rolls On
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