In case you haven’t heard, Donald Trump is running for president of the United States. BTW – I’m pretty sure the bible foretells that one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be wearing a really bad toupee. Anyway, The Donald has promised that anyone dumb smart enough to vote for him will receive really good stuff in return. Here are the Top Ten Trump campaign promises.
10. Free, one day stay (no nights) at any of the Trump resort properties
9. One free, autographed 8x10 glossy photo of The Donald and his toupee
8. One free toupee
7. One free whoopee cushion
6. One free “Make America Great Again!” bumper sticker
5. One free “Hillary Is a Loser” t-shirt
4. One free social revolution including socioeconomic meltdown and rioting in the streets
3. US foreign policy based on mamma jokes of all foreign leaders
2. One free ride in the luggage compartment of Donald’s private jet
1. One free date with Jorge Ramos’ sister
Spring has sprung in the ATX and the bluebonnets are a bloomin’ which, of course, means it’s time for me to be one with nature a la naturale. Yes, I along with thousands of other Austinites with nothing better to do are drawn to the blooming of the bluebonnets like zombies to flesh, capturing that special moment on film where we trample on nature posing for posterity. So grab your camera and your adorable children, puppy dogs or paper bags and head on out to your favorite bluebonnet patch on the side of the highway, risking life and limb for that gorgeous money shot. Say cheese!
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any better for Taylor Swift, she now is the first woman in 50 years to replace herself at number one on Billboard’s Hot 100. That’s right. Taylor’s “Shake It Off” held the number one spot only to get topped by her latest release, “Blank Space.” Why can’t I be number one? I sing really good at karaoke but nobody says, “Hey UB you sing better than Taylor Swift?” People go on about Taylor this and Taylor that. It’s always TALOR, TAYLOR, TAYLOR!
I lost 5 pounds the other day and can now fit into a size 10 dress but does anyone tell me, “Hey UB, you sure look hot in a chubby kinda way?” No. They just ask if I’ve heard the new TS album or if they can have some of my extra-large, double-cheese supreme pizza and I’m like, “Hell no!”
It’s just not fair that some girls have all the luck while all I have right now are the cramps. Ugh! TALOR, TAYLOR, TAYLOR!
I was waiting in line for two days to be one of the first people to buy the new iPhone 6 but then I got arrested for urinating in public. Next time I’ll be sure to first download the iUrinal app before I get in line again. In any event, here are the top ten things I heard while waiting in line to buy the new iPhone 6.
10. I heard iPhone 6 Plus comes with an app that protects you from the Ebola virus
9. Does anyone have an iPhone charger I can borrow?
8. I heard iPhone 6 is so advanced it makes it easier for the NSA to spy on me
7. I heard iPhone 6 lets you talk to Steve Jobs
6. Siri is way hotter than Cortana
5. I don't care what my husband says, size matters. I'm getting the Plus
4. Girlfriend, of course the iPhone 6 is smarter than you.
3. After this I'm going to start waiting in line for iPhone 7
2. If you let me cut in front of you, I'll let you sleep with my hot sister
1. Will you hold my place in line because I really gotta pee?
The Texas Attorney General’s Office recently filed a civil suit against some employees of an Austin, Texas grocer, MT Supermarket, for allegedly improperly labeling and selling pizzle, or more fondly referred to as beef penis. What, what?
I didn’t even know that pizzle existed. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I do recall my first pizzle proposition but it was a long time ago and I firmly told the bull that I just wanted to be friends and that homie didn’t play that game.
In any event, you all jonesin’ for some pizzle will have to get it the ol’ fashion way – call Pizza Hut for their Pizzle Pizza Supreme, available now for a limited time only.
Today is National Donut Day – a day when police officers everywhere can feel a little less guilty for eating inordinate amounts of donuts while the bad guys roam free. But please be warned that National Donut Day does not necessarily mean free donuts for all as Mr. Bob Polanco of Cucamonga, California would find out.
In celebration of National Donut Day, Bob visited his local donut shop and proceeded to help himself to donuts behind the shop counter thinking National Donut Day meant free donuts. Sally Peterman, who works the morning shift at Danny’s Donuts, called police when she noticed Mr. Polanco licking un-paid donuts in what she described as “a disturbingly suggestive manner.” Sally called the police after Bob was caught behind the counter licking and eating donuts and refusing to pay. “Who tongues the hole of a donut before they eat it? That’s just gross” said Sally. Mr. Polanco said that although he regrets the misunderstanding, what goes on between and man and a consenting donut is nobody’s business and that next time he’ll buy the donuts first and then take them to a hotel room like a normal person.
Justin Bieber broke his silence regarding his recent arrest in Miami on January 23, 2014 and granted me an exclusive phone interview. As you may recall, Baby Bieber (as he’s affectionately known here in the Mix studios) was busted by Miami-Dade Police for street racing and charged with drunken driving, resisting arrest and driving without a valid license. Blood tests would later reveal Baby Bieber was under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, Xanax and 32 ounces of baby food.
Unknown Blogger (UB): Hi Justin. Thanks for taking time to talk with me. Justin Bieber (JB): No problem. My daddy just woke me up from my nap so I’m all rested and ready to rap. I am hungry though so do you mind if I eat my Goldfish® crackers while we talk? UB: Cool with me. We wouldn’t want your tummy growling during the interview. JB: Totes UB: So I read the other day that you’re trying to stop the Miami police from releasing video of you making wee wee in your jail cell. Can you talk about the whole jail experience? [ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ] UB: Justin? JB: Oh, sorry. Damn! I sure love me some Goldfish®. What was the question? UB: Can you share with me what it was like to be locked up in Miami? JB: Well I’ll say one thing, there are no Goldfish® crackers in jail and I really had the munchies. Damn bunch of meanie cops. UB: I see. So I assume they let you make a phone call. Who did you call? JB: Duh! Who do you think I called? I called Selena Gomez but some dude answered so I just hung up. UB: And did the police let you call someone else? JB: Yeah but I just kept calling Selena but that same dude kept answering so finally I was like, “Hey A-hole. Stop answering Selena’s phone and he was like this is not Selena’s phone and I was like this isn’t Selena Gomez’s phone and he says no you jackass this is Chuck E. Cheese's!” I was like, “Sorry dude - must have hit the wrong re-dial on my cell, yo.” UB: So the cops let you use your cell phone to make the call? JB: Well they didn’t know I had it cuz I hid it in my… never mind. UB: So how were you generally treated in jail? Did they jack with you because you’re a pop star or were they pretty cool? JB: The cops sucked but my cellmate was even worse. He kept saying I was his bitch and I was like “Oh no I’m not but if you have some Goldfish® crackers then maybe we could work something out,” and he was like “Yo, listen here cracker, I got your Goldfish® crackers right here,” and I was like “Ok bitch, then let me see them crackers” but he was just lying and really didn’t have any crackers and I was about to start crying but went to my happy place instead and started singing “Be Alright” from my last album Believe. UB: Wow. Sounds like you had a rough time. How are you doing these days? JB: Are you kidding? I’m doin’ awesome! I got plenty of Goldfish®; I can crank call Selena as much as I want and I don’t have to worry about someone sneaking up on me trying to play a game of hide the weasel – hate that weasel game! UB: Totes. Well on that note I gotta run but thanks for the interview and good luck with all your legal problems and stuff. [ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ]
Thirty-eight-year-old talent agent, Roberto Santos, from Los Angeles, California is suing Facebook because most of his Facebook “Friends” don’t really seem to be his friends. "I meet a lot of people in my line of work," says Mr. Santos "and many friend me on Facebook but when I ask them if I can borrow some money or if they want to be in a porn movie I’m making, I notice they un-friend me almost immediately. Real friends would say, "hell yes" because that’s what friends do."
In his lawsuit against Facebook, the un-friended Mr. Santos claims that by using the word "Friend," Facebook misleads people into thinking that friend requests are from Facebook users who really want to be your friend, when in fact they just want to use you somehow or inflate their own ego by making it look like they have a lot of friends on their own Facebook page.
When asked what he hopes to gain from the lawsuit, Mr. Santos replied, "I want Facebook to add more descriptive categories like "Acquaintance" or "Not Friend" or "Friend but Won’t Lend Money." Furthermore, Mr. Santos would also like the option to "No Like" something on Facebook in addition to the standard "Like."
As cockroaches are the most likely inhabitants of the Earth post 12/21/12, I decided to interview an ordinary cockroach I found roaming the streets. I was hoping for some thought-provoking insights of the impending apocalypse and I must say I was somewhat disappointed. Here is an excerpt from the exclusive interview.
Unknown Blogger: Excuse me Mr. Cockroach but I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the end of the world.
Mr. Cockroach: Well, I was hoping to get started on the chicken wing I see over there but yeah, I have some time.
Unknown Blogger: Awesome. So will the world end on 12/21/12?
Mr. Cockroach: Yes.
Unknown Blogger: Would you care to expand on that a little bit more?
Mr. Cockroach: Um, I’d really like to get started on that chicken wing.
Unknown Blogger: I see. What if I bring you the chicken wing and you can get started on it while I ask you more questions?
Mr. Cockroach: That would save me a lot of crawling. Thanks.
Unknown Blogger: So is there anything we can do to stop the world from ending?
Mr. Cockroach: [munching on the chicken wing with its “mouth” full] Buy a new calendar at Barns & Noble. Just cuz the Mayan calendar ended doesn’t mean the world has to end.
Unknown Blogger: Wow! Thanks. I’ll let you finish your chicken wing and I can run and tell the world.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was recently injured in a car crash in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles. My unreliable sources tell me that speed demon Linday Lohan is a suspect in the Diddy case. Fans of Lindsay Lohan, and who isn’t, may recall that our girl Lindsay was just let off the hook from a separate auto incident where the actress was accused of hitting a man on Sept. 19 while driving a friend's car on her way to a New York hotel nightclub just after stealing jewelry from said friend’s apartment.
Speaking of stealing, Lindsay ‘Sticky Fingers’ Lohan is also in the news for allegedly stealing $15,000 worth of clothes from the set of ‘Scary Movie 5.’ Among the missing items are a Gucci purse, a Versace dress that says ‘Kick Me” on the back and a dozen pair of crotchless panties from Victoria’s Secret.
Sticky Fingers Lohan should be considered armed, well dressed and otherwise dangerously close of exposing her crotch. Should you happen to encounter Lindsay, please do not attempt to apprehend her by yourself. Instead, please call police immediately at 1-800-GETSTICKY.