Justin Bieber broke his silence regarding his recent arrest in Miami on January 23, 2014 and granted me an exclusive phone interview. As you may recall, Baby Bieber (as he’s affectionately known here in the Mix studios) was busted by Miami-Dade Police for street racing and charged with drunken driving, resisting arrest and driving without a valid license. Blood tests would later reveal Baby Bieber was under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, Xanax and 32 ounces of baby food.
Unknown Blogger (UB): Hi Justin. Thanks for taking time to talk with me. Justin Bieber (JB): No problem. My daddy just woke me up from my nap so I’m all rested and ready to rap. I am hungry though so do you mind if I eat my Goldfish® crackers while we talk? UB: Cool with me. We wouldn’t want your tummy growling during the interview. JB: Totes UB: So I read the other day that you’re trying to stop the Miami police from releasing video of you making wee wee in your jail cell. Can you talk about the whole jail experience? [ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ] UB: Justin? JB: Oh, sorry. Damn! I sure love me some Goldfish®. What was the question? UB: Can you share with me what it was like to be locked up in Miami? JB: Well I’ll say one thing, there are no Goldfish® crackers in jail and I really had the munchies. Damn bunch of meanie cops. UB: I see. So I assume they let you make a phone call. Who did you call? JB: Duh! Who do you think I called? I called Selena Gomez but some dude answered so I just hung up. UB: And did the police let you call someone else? JB: Yeah but I just kept calling Selena but that same dude kept answering so finally I was like, “Hey A-hole. Stop answering Selena’s phone and he was like this is not Selena’s phone and I was like this isn’t Selena Gomez’s phone and he says no you jackass this is Chuck E. Cheese's!” I was like, “Sorry dude - must have hit the wrong re-dial on my cell, yo.” UB: So the cops let you use your cell phone to make the call? JB: Well they didn’t know I had it cuz I hid it in my… never mind. UB: So how were you generally treated in jail? Did they jack with you because you’re a pop star or were they pretty cool? JB: The cops sucked but my cellmate was even worse. He kept saying I was his bitch and I was like “Oh no I’m not but if you have some Goldfish® crackers then maybe we could work something out,” and he was like “Yo, listen here cracker, I got your Goldfish® crackers right here,” and I was like “Ok bitch, then let me see them crackers” but he was just lying and really didn’t have any crackers and I was about to start crying but went to my happy place instead and started singing “Be Alright” from my last album Believe. UB: Wow. Sounds like you had a rough time. How are you doing these days? JB: Are you kidding? I’m doin’ awesome! I got plenty of Goldfish®; I can crank call Selena as much as I want and I don’t have to worry about someone sneaking up on me trying to play a game of hide the weasel – hate that weasel game! UB: Totes. Well on that note I gotta run but thanks for the interview and good luck with all your legal problems and stuff. [ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ]
Thirty-eight-year-old talent agent, Roberto Santos, from Los Angeles, California is suing Facebook because most of his Facebook “Friends” don’t really seem to be his friends. "I meet a lot of people in my line of work," says Mr. Santos "and many friend me on Facebook but when I ask them if I can borrow some money or if they want to be in a porn movie I’m making, I notice they un-friend me almost immediately. Real friends would say, "hell yes" because that’s what friends do."
In his lawsuit against Facebook, the un-friended Mr. Santos claims that by using the word "Friend," Facebook misleads people into thinking that friend requests are from Facebook users who really want to be your friend, when in fact they just want to use you somehow or inflate their own ego by making it look like they have a lot of friends on their own Facebook page.
When asked what he hopes to gain from the lawsuit, Mr. Santos replied, "I want Facebook to add more descriptive categories like "Acquaintance" or "Not Friend" or "Friend but Won’t Lend Money." Furthermore, Mr. Santos would also like the option to "No Like" something on Facebook in addition to the standard "Like."
As cockroaches are the most likely inhabitants of the Earth post 12/21/12, I decided to interview an ordinary cockroach I found roaming the streets. I was hoping for some thought-provoking insights of the impending apocalypse and I must say I was somewhat disappointed. Here is an excerpt from the exclusive interview.
Unknown Blogger: Excuse me Mr. Cockroach but I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the end of the world.
Mr. Cockroach: Well, I was hoping to get started on the chicken wing I see over there but yeah, I have some time.
Unknown Blogger: Awesome. So will the world end on 12/21/12?
Mr. Cockroach: Yes.
Unknown Blogger: Would you care to expand on that a little bit more?
Mr. Cockroach: Um, I’d really like to get started on that chicken wing.
Unknown Blogger: I see. What if I bring you the chicken wing and you can get started on it while I ask you more questions?
Mr. Cockroach: That would save me a lot of crawling. Thanks.
Unknown Blogger: So is there anything we can do to stop the world from ending?
Mr. Cockroach: [munching on the chicken wing with its “mouth” full] Buy a new calendar at Barns & Noble. Just cuz the Mayan calendar ended doesn’t mean the world has to end.
Unknown Blogger: Wow! Thanks. I’ll let you finish your chicken wing and I can run and tell the world.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was recently injured in a car crash in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles. My unreliable sources tell me that speed demon Linday Lohan is a suspect in the Diddy case. Fans of Lindsay Lohan, and who isn’t, may recall that our girl Lindsay was just let off the hook from a separate auto incident where the actress was accused of hitting a man on Sept. 19 while driving a friend's car on her way to a New York hotel nightclub just after stealing jewelry from said friend’s apartment.
Speaking of stealing, Lindsay ‘Sticky Fingers’ Lohan is also in the news for allegedly stealing $15,000 worth of clothes from the set of ‘Scary Movie 5.’ Among the missing items are a Gucci purse, a Versace dress that says ‘Kick Me” on the back and a dozen pair of crotchless panties from Victoria’s Secret.
Sticky Fingers Lohan should be considered armed, well dressed and otherwise dangerously close of exposing her crotch. Should you happen to encounter Lindsay, please do not attempt to apprehend her by yourself. Instead, please call police immediately at 1-800-GETSTICKY.
William Johnson of Clear Lake Michigan was not having much luck finding his soul mate via online dating sites, gun conventions or the local model airplane club he attends weekly. In fact, William was so disappointed he couldn’t meet the right girl that he decided to try his luck with female raccoons instead. “I just couldn’t find the perfect match for me,” said William, “So a friend of mine suggested I try RaccoonHarmony.com and boy was I glad I did.”
William posted his profile on RaccoonHarmony.com and was immediately contacted by several eager beaver candidates. William states they all seemed very nice but the one that stood out for him among the pack was Rachel. “Except for her fear of guns, Rachel and I have a lot in common,” said the jovial Mr. Johnson. Apparently William and Rachel love to take long walks and poops in the park and woods near William’s condo as well as foraging through neighbor’s trash cans looking for table scraps and model glue.
Apple and Katy Perry have paired up together to bring you iBanana – the first iPhone that looks like a banana. My unreliable sources tell me the iBanana will be on the cutting edge of smartphone technology, featuring Apple’s latest iOS 5.1.2 and of course great gadgets like an 8 megapixel camera/video recorder and a tiny little blender for making daiquiris.
In a recent phone interview I had with Miss Perry, I asked her who came up with fruity phone idea. “I love eating bananas and I love talking on the phone,” said Katy, “So I thought wouldn’t be great if I could talk on the phone and then eat it when I hung up.”
Unknown Blogger: So you’ll be able to eat the iBanana?
Katy Perry: No. it’s made of metal and plastic. Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink my endorsement of iBanana.
Unknown Blogger: Maybe iBanana could come with a bunch of real bananas and you could eat those.
Katy Perry: Ummm. I guess. Yeah! That would work! Whew. Yeah!
Electropop, whatever duo LMFAO won Best Lip Sync at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards last night for their brilliant hit “Party Rock Anthem.” Faux singers Redfoo and SkyBlu were obviously pleased to win the prestigious award and said, “It’s an honor to know that the industry can recognize crappy music when they kinda hear it.”
LMFAO also took home an award for Duo with the Frizziest Hair as well as Singers Most Likely to Catch Flies with Their Mouths Open While Lip Syncing.
Six-year old Toby Fauntleroy of Bangor, Maine has been banned from the local Good Humor ice cream truck – not because little Toby typically only wears a pair of chocolate stained underpants while out in public, but because the truck cannot hold enough ice cream to satisfy little Fauntleroy’s insatiable appetite. Eyewitnesses have stated that Toby screams and throws a temper tantrum when the Good Humor is all gone, causing everyone to run for cover.
In a recent interview, Mr. Cheeseballski, owner and operator of the Good Humor truck said, “Personally, I think the kid has a funny little eatin’ problem and could stand to lose a couple pounds.” Mr. Cheeseballski went on to add that it is a little disturbing to not only watch Toby put down so much ice cream but that Toby also stores all his ice cream money in his underpants. “It just somehow doesn’t seem right to take money from a little kid while he’s only wearing underwear and pulling five and ten dollar bills from his crotch and butt cheeks - enough is enough and it’s never enough for little Toby Fauntleroy.” said Mr. Cheeseballski.
Billionaire Donald Trump and host of Celebrity Apprentice recently admitted in the board room during one of the Celebrity Apprentice episodes that his last name really isn’t Trump. In a Celebrity Apprentice shocker, Donald admitted his real name is Donald Duck.
“I know you think I’m joking,” said Mr. Duck “but for a long time I was ashamed of my real last name but I’m not ashamed of it anymore.” Lisa Lampanelli, comedian and contestant on Celebrity Apprentice, asked Donald why he is revealing his real name now to which Donald quipped “Because I’m rich and if people don’t like that my real name is Donald Duck, I’ll simply have them roughed up by some of my tough friends.” to which Lisa replied “Like who, Mickey Mouse and Pluto?”
I managed to get an exclusive phone interview with Lady Gaga and it turns out her and I have a lot in common. She likes to wear meat and I like to eat it. She loves high heel shoes and I love watching her try and perform in them. And, we both look great in a thong. Here is a little bit of the interview:
Unknown Blogger: Hi Lady Gaga. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Gaga: Of course UB. I’d do anything for a man who wears a brown paper bag. You are a man, right?
Unknown Blogger: Let me check… yes, I’m a man.
Gaga: I think the paper bag is hot. Do you wear it during love making?
Unknown Blogger: That’s kind of a personal question. I don’t think I should answer that.
Gaga: Would you wear it if you and I made love together?
Unknown Blogger: [GULP]
Gaga: So why do you wear a paper bag? Are you not attractive or disfigured…?
Unknown Blogger: Oh no… I’m very attractive. Some people say I look like Woody Allen.
Gaga: I don’t know UB… I don’t think Woody Allen is very attractive.
Unknown Blogger: Maybe Woody should wear a paper bag over his head?
Unknown Blogger: Not to change the subject but can we talk about high heel shoes?
Gaga: Sure. Do you wear high heel shoes?
Unknown Blogger: Sometimes when I drink too much Jägermeister, I like dance to your music wearing nothing but a thong and high heels.
Gaga: Oh my God! That sounds hot. You sound like a naughty little monster. Not that it matters but are you gay?
Unknown Blogger: Let me check… no. I just love your music, thongs and high heels.
Gaga: Nothin’ wrong with that UB.
Unknown Blogger: I notice you fall on your ass a lot while wearing high heels. Would you ever give up your high heels for something safer and low to the ground like some Soiree flats?
Gaga: Are you being mean to me UB? I don’t fall all the time and no, I’ll never give up my high heels. I say go high or go home.
Unknown Blogger: Go high or go home. I love that… and I love you but I gotta leave you cuz our time is up. Thanks for talking to me.
Gaga: Any time UB and can you send me a picture of you in high heels wearing a thong with a paper bag on your head? That would be hot.
Unknown Blogger: Let me get some Jägermeister and I’ll see what I can do.