The Unknown Blogger |
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by Unknown Blogger, posted Feb 3 2012 10:34AM
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 In a strange turn of events, Peyton Manning, quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts (for now), secretly announced that he intends to suit up in a New York Giants uniform and take the field to help out his little brother, Eli Manning (quarterback for the New York Giants), during this Sunday's Super Bowl when the Giants take on the New England Patriots. Wow! Now the Giants will suck twice as bad. Is that even legal?
Peyton recently shared his secret Super Bowl shocker via phone interview with sportscaster Brandon Wark of the 3 Guys Sports Show. Peyton confided that he wanted to dispel any rumors that he's not fit for football and show the world that he is indeed ready to play again after undergoing surgery on a bulging disk in his neck and in his pants. Peyton also added, "I also want to play in this Sunday's Super Bowl because I'm tired of everyone saying how great Eli is… and Eli this and Eli that…Eli, Eli, Eli!"
Although almost rendered speechless, Wark pressed Peyton for details such as how would Peyton even be allowed on the field as a Giants backup quarterback and if Brother Eli knew of his super secret plan? Peyton responded, "Who cares… I'm Peyton Freakin' Manning… Super Bowl XLI MVP… master of the football universe!" Peyton also added that he had recently become extremely fond of the little black and yellow pills his doctor has been prescribing for Peyton's neck pain because "… they make me feel like a little fuzzy bumble bee floating inside a floating soap bubble, gently dancing in the soft breeze." Ummm… Okay, Peyton. Nice talking to you and see you in Super Bowl XLVI. |
Zapped
by Unknown Blogger, posted Jan 26 2012 10:37AM
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 Zappos.com, the online source for clothing, handbags, slippers and other overpriced stuff, was recently hacked, exposing account information for millions of its customers. While it is too early to tell who zapped Zappos or their motives, noted German-born, cyber security expert Gunther Von Leaderhosen speculates, "Unt my opinion is zee culprit das not like vearing expensive slippers!"
Gunther, now living in New Braunfels, Texas went on to comment that the Zappos hackers made off with over 24 million customer records and that the only common factor among all compromised accounts was that each customer had paid too much for a pair of moccasins and or slippers and that they like to wear them out in public. Gunther, struggling to find the words in English, stated in his native tongue, "Meine Wolle Unterwäsche machen meine Nüsse jucken." I'm not 100% sure what this means but using the German I learned in high school I believe the translation is, "Wearing wool underwear makes my Schwanzstucker itch." Okay… not sure what that has to do with who hacked Zappos.com but Gunther must have his reasons for sharing that awesome piece of information.
Curious, I checked out the slipper selection at Zappos.com and was shocked to see some of them going for as high as $110 a pair. While I don't know what the high cost of moccasins and slippers have to do with the resent security breach at Zappos.com, it does kind of explain why I've seen a lot of adults wearing them in public, in broad daylight, and presumably of sound mind. But then again, if I paid $110 for slippers, I to would get my money's worth and wear them as much as possible, including while shopping for veggies and for sure during my five-minute lovemaking sessions. |
Ding Dong the Ding Dong is Dead
by Unknown Blogger, posted Jan 12 2012 12:46PM
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 Hostess ®, the makers of Twinkies ®, Ding Dongs ® and other tasty treats that clog your arteries and eventually make your heart stop beating, announced it has filed for Chapter 11, again, and may very well be the end of the hostess with the mostest unhealthy product line. A spokesperson for Hostess recently commented, "Apparently overweight people, with little to no self control, don't enjoy our products any longer and instead prefer to simply eat large amounts of lard directly from 32-ounce tubs because it's cheaper and more efficient at causing heart attacks than having to repeatedly drag their fat ass to the supermarket to buy cartons of Ding Dongs."
This is not the first sign of trouble for Hostess. Some of you may recall the controversy surrounding Hostess and their line of Ho Hos ® - Swiss-filled chocolate cakes elegantly enrobed in a delectable confectionary coating. When first introduced, the name Ho Hos offended prostitutes and hookers everywhere as they felt they had exclusive rights to the label, Ho Hos. The legal case of Hostess vs. The Prostitute League of America (PLA) would drag on for months and eventually resulted in an out-of-court settlement with the PLA for undisclosed amounts of Ho Hos, fishnet stockings, cigarettes, ten-inch stilettos and rubber chickens.
It's too early to tell if this is the end of Hostess but I think I can speak for fat asses everywhere (with the exception of ho hos with fat asses) by stating it will be a sad day when I can no longer get my Ding Dong on.
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Send In the Cowgirls
by Unknown Blogger, posted Dec 12 2011 12:00PM
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 What is the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders look way better in uniform and they don't SUCK!
The Dallas Cowboys are now officially the masters of the fourth-quarter collapse by losing yet another game in the final minutes, this time against division rivals the New York Giants. Upon witnessing the Cowboy collapse last night, I too collapsed on the floor in a pool of nachos, crying like a baby without a beer bottle. It was then that I had an epiphany. For the rest of the season and beyond, tell the Cowboys to stay in the locker room, better yet, at home and instead have the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders take the field for the entire game.
The cheerleaders would do what they normally do for a couple hours cheer, bounce up and down and of course do a whole bunch of those breathtaking high kicks that always make me choke on my beer nuts every time I see them. To be honest, I really only tune into a Cowboys game just to watch the cheerleaders do their thang. So we all can skip the part where the Cowboys SUCK and just be entertained by the cheerleaders who don't suck.
Dear Jerry Jones Santa, all I want for Christmas are the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and you can keep the Dallas Cowboys who SUCK!
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Lindsay Lohan Jailbreak
by Unknown Blogger, posted Nov 7 2011 11:46AM
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 Lindsay Lohan was booked into Los Angeles County jail this past Sunday and was quickly released five hours later due to jail overcrowding. When asked by reporters what her plans were, Lohan replied, "I'm going to group therapy at the morgue and hopefully catch up on some sleep."
Lohan was ordered by a judge to do 30 days of jail time for violating her probation. The judge had also ordered Lohan to perform community service at the county morgue, presumably in an effort to scare the 25-year-old straight and show her where she could end up if she continues her destructive behavior and substance abuse.
All kidding aside, I for one hope Lindsay can turn her life around and continue to deliver such spectacular cinematic performances as " Mean Girls." I'm still waiting for Mean Girls 3.
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Kim Kardashian Bombshell
by Unknown Blogger, posted Nov 2 2011 1:11PM
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 Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries only after 72 days of marriage. And while Kim is starting to speak up about the split with Kris and going so far as to state that her reality TV show may have had something to do with the divorce, my unreliable sources are citing other reasons behind the Kim & Kris marital conundrum.
During a recent interview with Narcissist.com, Kim broke down and started to cry and divulged that hooking up with tall, dark and handsome Kris was just a sham to conceal her dirty little secret. Turns out Kim has a thing for short, unattractive men. Say what? Sobbing, Kim went on to say that her on-again-off-again romance with Howard Stern regular, Beetlejuice, was the real reason behind her dumping Kris. Kim added, "I know I shouldn't be attracted to someone like Beetlejuice but there's something irresistible and sweet about him and when he starts rapping to me, he drives me wild with desire."
When asked if she could give an example of the rap stylings of Beetlejuice that make her weak at the knees, Kim surprising dropped to her knees (presumably to illustrate the size of Beetlejuice) and started rapping the lyrics, "Oh Kim you are so fine and you knows I loves you gurl all of da time. People say together we sure look fruity but it don't bother me that I'm the size of your booty."
Beetlejuice could not be reached for comment.
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Never Kick a Cow Turd Over Monday Night Football
by Unknown Blogger, posted Oct 12 2011 6:44AM
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 Hank Williams Jr. visited the gals on "The View" the other day and he had some advice to folks by quoting Harry Truman. "Never kick a cow turd on a hot day." What a smart man... and Harry Truman weren't so dumb neither. Gosh Hank. I wish you would have told me that this past summer in Austin where we set records for consecutive days over a 100 degrees and crazy from heat, I kicked a lot of turds.
Jr. was on "The View" to supposedly tell his side of the story regarding equally brilliant comments he previously made by comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler. While on "The View" Jr. denied comparing Obama to Hitler and instead said it was an "analogy." In fact, and while on the show, he literally looked up the word analogy to further support his position and supposedly to clear up any misunderstanding that he cannot articulate the little Jr. thoughts that are bouncing around in his fat little head. Hey Jr., here's another quote. "Stupid is as stupid does."
So impressed and fascinated by his brilliance, Barbara Walters asked Jr. "What is two plus two?" See Jr.'s answer in the photo above. |
Top 5 Things all Men do that Disgust Women
by Unknown Blogger, posted Sep 23 2011 8:43AM
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 5. Men never wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
4. They shave off all their body hair supposedly to be faster swimmers even if they don't swim
3. They repeatedly say their mother's name during lovemaking
2. They've never watched an episode of All My Children and now it's too late because it's being canceled
1. And the number one thing all men do that disgust women... They eat large blocks of cheese and bologna while watching porn in their underwear |
Happy End of the World
by Unknown Blogger, posted May 20 2011 6:27AM
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 Apparently some people believe that May 21, 2011 is the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. Me thinks somebody has been listening to way too much REM. If the world comes to an end tomorrow, that's fine with me. I was booked to perform at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow that I wasn't looking forward to because let's face it, Jewish children coming of age, high on cake and punch and forced to memorize Torah, are not very friendly towards a guy wearing a bag on his head, telling fart jokes. So, happy end of the world to my family, friends and millions of Unknown Blogger fans. |
Nicki Got Back!
by Unknown Blogger, posted Apr 25 2011 7:32AM
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 Nicki Minaj and her butt appeared on SNL this past weekend and officially stripped J. Lo of the "Largest Rump in the World" title. Nicki was extremely entertaining and even a good sport regarding her barely enormous butt in the SNL skit "Bride of Blackenstein." You got to check it out and by "it" I mean her butt. Her butt was so big that many times during her SNL performances you could hear the cameraman say, "Damn it man! Not even my wide angle lens can get all that in one shot!" Nicki's butt is so big that parts of it will still be showing up in next week's SNL show. Her butt is so big... OK. I'll stop there as I wouldn't want to make Nicki the butt of my jokes. The End |
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Kim Iversen
