The Unknown Blogger |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted May 21 2012 10:30AM
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 Electropop, whatever duo LMFAO won Best Lip Sync at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards last night for their brilliant hit "Party Rock Anthem." Faux singers Redfoo and SkyBlu were obviously pleased to win the prestigious award and said, "It's an honor to know that the industry can recognize crappy music when they kinda hear it."
LMFAO also took home an award for Duo with the Frizziest Hair as well as Singers Most Likely to Catch Flies with Their Mouths Open While Lip Syncing. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted May 9 2012 12:00PM
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 Six-year old Toby Fauntleroy of Bangor, Maine has been banned from the local Good Humor ice cream truck – not because little Toby typically only wears a pair of chocolate stained underpants while out in public, but because the truck cannot hold enough ice cream to satisfy little Fauntleroy's insatiable appetite. Eyewitnesses have stated that Toby screams and throws a temper tantrum when the Good Humor is all gone, causing everyone to run for cover.
In a recent interview, Mr. Cheeseballski, owner and operator of the Good Humor truck said, "Personally, I think the kid has a funny little eatin' problem and could stand to lose a couple pounds." Mr. Cheeseballski went on to add that it is a little disturbing to not only watch Toby put down so much ice cream but that Toby also stores all his ice cream money in his underpants. "It just somehow doesn't seem right to take money from a little kid while he's only wearing underwear and pulling five and ten dollar bills from his crotch and butt cheeks - enough is enough and it's never enough for little Toby Fauntleroy." said Mr. Cheeseballski. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted May 2 2012 11:09AM
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 Billionaire Donald Trump and host of Celebrity Apprentice recently admitted in the board room during one of the Celebrity Apprentice episodes that his last name really isn't Trump. In a Celebrity Apprentice shocker, Donald admitted his real name is Donald Duck.
"I know you think I'm joking," said Mr. Duck "but for a long time I was ashamed of my real last name but I'm not ashamed of it anymore." Lisa Lampanelli, comedian and contestant on Celebrity Apprentice, asked Donald why he is revealing his real name now to which Donald quipped "Because I'm rich and if people don't like that my real name is Donald Duck, I'll simply have them roughed up by some of my tough friends." to which Lisa replied "Like who, Mickey Mouse and Pluto?" |
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Head Over Heels for Gaga
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Apr 26 2012 11:54AM
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 I managed to get an exclusive phone interview with Lady Gaga and it turns out her and I have a lot in common. She likes to wear meat and I like to eat it. She loves high heel shoes and I love watching her try and perform in them. And, we both look great in a thong. Here is a little bit of the interview:
Unknown Blogger: Hi Lady Gaga. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Gaga: Of course UB. I'd do anything for a man who wears a brown paper bag. You are a man, right?
Unknown Blogger: Let me check… yes, I'm a man.
Gaga: I think the paper bag is hot. Do you wear it during love making?
Unknown Blogger: That's kind of a personal question. I don't think I should answer that.
Gaga: Would you wear it if you and I made love together?
Unknown Blogger: [GULP]
Gaga: So why do you wear a paper bag? Are you not attractive or disfigured…?
Unknown Blogger: Oh no… I'm very attractive. Some people say I look like Woody Allen.
Gaga: I don't know UB… I don't think Woody Allen is very attractive.
Unknown Blogger: Maybe Woody should wear a paper bag over his head?
Gaga: [LAUGHING]
Unknown Blogger: Not to change the subject but can we talk about high heel shoes?
Gaga: Sure. Do you wear high heel shoes?
Unknown Blogger: Sometimes when I drink too much Jägermeister, I like dance to your music wearing nothing but a thong and high heels.
Gaga: Oh my God! That sounds hot. You sound like a naughty little monster. Not that it matters but are you gay?
Unknown Blogger: Let me check… no. I just love your music, thongs and high heels.
Gaga: Nothin' wrong with that UB.
Unknown Blogger: I notice you fall on your ass a lot while wearing high heels. Would you ever give up your high heels for something safer and low to the ground like some Soiree flats?
Gaga: Are you being mean to me UB? I don't fall all the time and no, I'll never give up my high heels. I say go high or go home.
Unknown Blogger: Go high or go home. I love that… and I love you but I gotta leave you cuz our time is up. Thanks for talking to me.
Gaga: Any time UB and can you send me a picture of you in high heels wearing a thong with a paper bag on your head? That would be hot.
Unknown Blogger: Let me get some Jägermeister and I'll see what I can do. |
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Unknown Blogger's Sexy Photo
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Apr 24 2012 12:19PM
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 Seeing Sara Osburn and her sexy photos got me to thinking - maybe I should explore my sexy side as well. At first I was shy about doing a sexy photo shoot but Sara encouraged me to go for it and that brown paper bags are all the rage these days in men's sexy lingerie.
When I first arrived at the photo shoot I was really nervous but Chantelle Lace, the photographer, was a total professional. She told me to just relax, drink a bottle of Jägermeister, take off all my clothes and grab some paper bags. I told Chantelle that I didn't really like Jägermeister because the last time I drank it I woke up naked in the monkey cage at the San Antonio Zoo and the strange thing about that whole experience was that I didn't live in San Antonio. Chantelle told me the only other thing she had for me to release my inhibitions was a jug of trucker's speed mixed with paint thinner which are actually the same ingredients in Jägermeister so I decided to just go with the Jägermeister. I don't remember much after the ninth or thirteenth Jägerbomb but I hope you enjoy my sexy photo as much as I think I enjoyed posing for it. |
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Easter Bunny Arrested
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Apr 6 2012 12:15PM
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 Police in Lincoln, Nebraska have arrested the Easter Bunny for public intoxication, trespassing and indecency with a farm animal.
Sergeant Stadinko of the Lincoln police department gave details at a press conference this morning detailing the alleged activities on what is now being referred to as the "Easter Bunny Barnyard Bender." According to Lincoln authorities, police were called to Buford T. Pusser's farm shortly after midnight to investigate what Mr. Pusser described as "funny little horny moaning sounds" coming from behind his barnyard.
Earlier that evening while walking through his corn fields, Buford thought he saw what looked like a large fury creature dancing and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels while singing Elvis Presley songs. Buford dismissed it as a hallucination as he also had coincidentally been drinking Jack Daniels since noon that day. "I seen that large bunny drinkin' Jack Daniels," said Buford, "but I'd so drunk by that time that I said, nah... tant no such thing as the Easter Bunny and decided it best I stop drinkin' myself and put some pants on."
Shortly thereafter, Buford apparently passed out in his barn but was awoken around midnight by the "funny little horny moaning sounds" and called the police. When officers arrived at the scene they found what appeared to be the Easter Bunny trying to get his groove on with a frightened, 21-year old bunny rabbit named Trixie. One officer recalled drawing his pitchfork from his holster while asking the suspect to identify itself to which the perpetrator replied, "I'm the freakin' Easter Bunny, pal! Now if you don't mind, I was just about to offer Trixie here my carrot and some jelly beans."
Officers on the scene took the Easter Bunny into custody and shortly thereafter booked Mr. Bunny into Lincoln County Lockup where he is being held without bail. When asked how this might affect this year's Easter, Sergeant Stadinko replied, "Gosh, I sure do hope the Easter Bunny can sober up and make bail in time for Easter cuz I sure do like gettin' my Easter basket filled with them little Peeps and jelly beans." |
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Aubrey O'Day Is A Crybaby
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Mar 29 2012 12:04PM
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 Upon hearing her team had lost the week 6 challenge, Celebrity Apprentice contestant Aubrey O'Day, who was the task project manager, cried like a baby and messed up her mascara. Sucking her thumb while throwing a temper tantrum on top of the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom conference table, baby Aubrey cried so much that Donald Trump felt sorry for her and gave her $10,000 for her charity and a lollypop for Aubrey.
The Donald admitted he has seen many women cry but that it usually comes after they've had sex with him. Donald asked the crying Ms. O'Day, "Why are you crying? Are you crying for your charity, because you lost or because you know I want to have sex with you?" Aubrey replied, "Waaaaah, waaaaah, waaaaah! I'm crying for my charity first, because I lost second and did you say you wanted to have sex with me?"
Donald: "Did I say I wanted to have sex with you? That must have slipped out."
Aubrey: "I love you like a father Mr. Trump so sex would be kinda icky but not out of the question but I would really like to have sex with your son, Donald Jr."
Donald: "Donald Jr. is married."
Aubrey: "OK. So maybe Jr., his wife and I could have a three-way."
Donald: "That's not gonna happen, Aubrey."
Aubrey: "Waaaaah, waaaaah, waaaaah!"
Donald: "Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey... stop crying. How about another $10,000 for your charity, $10,000 for you and me naked and another lollypop?"
Aubrey: "Can we do a foursome with Donald Jr.?"
Donald: "No! Stop with the Donald Jr."
Aubrey: "Waaaaah, waaaaah, waaaaah!"
Be sure to watch the next Celebrity Apprentice when this week's challenge finds Aubrey trying to seduce Clay Aiken into having sex with her as part of her plot to turn Clay from gay to straight. Here is a sneak peek at this week's episode:
Aubrey: "Waaaaah, waaaaah, waaaaah!"
Clay: "Awwww, girl. Why are you still crying?"
Aubrey: "Donald Sr. won't let me have sex with Donald Jr. Waaaaah!"
Clay: "But Aubrey, Donald Jr. is married. And by the way, Donald Sr. won't let me have sex with Donald Jr. either."
Aubrey: "I know but I'm so beautiful and talented and creative. What man wouldn't want to have sex with me? Would you have sex with me, Clay? Wah."
Clay: "Oh lordy, child. I'm gay."
Aubrey: "But maybe if you had sex with me you wouldn't be gay anymore. Wah. [sniff]"
Clay: "[gulp]" |
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Oscar Home Run
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Feb 24 2012 3:54PM
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 If you tune into this year's Oscars and manage to stay awake long enough, you may notice the academy has brought back a category it retired several years ago – Best Supporting Object.
Rumor has it the favorite to win Best Supporting Object this year is Baseball, from the movie "Moneyball" starring Brad Pitt.
I recently caught up with Baseball while it was nude sunbathing in St. Tropez. Baseball said it was excited about the nomination and said it plans on "kicking Bats ass" who is also nominated this year for Best Supporting Object. Apparently there is still some animosity between Baseball and Bat as both were nominated back in 1989 for the movie "Field of Dreams." Baseball lost to Bat that year and when I asked Baseball how he liked his chances this year, it replied, "Bat doesn't have a chance this time around. I mean c'mon! That guy acts like a piece of wood for Christ sake!" Bat could not be reached for comment. |
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Super Bowl Secret Shocker
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Feb 3 2012 10:34AM
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 In a strange turn of events, Peyton Manning, quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts (for now), secretly announced that he intends to suit up in a New York Giants uniform and take the field to help out his little brother, Eli Manning (quarterback for the New York Giants), during this Sunday's Super Bowl when the Giants take on the New England Patriots. Wow! Now the Giants will suck twice as bad. Is that even legal?
Peyton recently shared his secret Super Bowl shocker via phone interview with sportscaster Brandon Wark of the 3 Guys Sports Show. Peyton confided that he wanted to dispel any rumors that he's not fit for football and show the world that he is indeed ready to play again after undergoing surgery on a bulging disk in his neck and in his pants. Peyton also added, "I also want to play in this Sunday's Super Bowl because I'm tired of everyone saying how great Eli is… and Eli this and Eli that…Eli, Eli, Eli!"
Although almost rendered speechless, Wark pressed Peyton for details such as how would Peyton even be allowed on the field as a Giants backup quarterback and if Brother Eli knew of his super secret plan? Peyton responded, "Who cares… I'm Peyton Freakin' Manning… Super Bowl XLI MVP… master of the football universe!" Peyton also added that he had recently become extremely fond of the little black and yellow pills his doctor has been prescribing for Peyton's neck pain because "… they make me feel like a little fuzzy bumble bee floating inside a floating soap bubble, gently dancing in the soft breeze." Ummm… Okay, Peyton. Nice talking to you and see you in Super Bowl XLVI. |
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Zapped
by Unknown Blogger
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posted Jan 26 2012 10:37AM
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 Zappos.com, the online source for clothing, handbags, slippers and other overpriced stuff, was recently hacked, exposing account information for millions of its customers. While it is too early to tell who zapped Zappos or their motives, noted German-born, cyber security expert Gunther Von Leaderhosen speculates, "Unt my opinion is zee culprit das not like vearing expensive slippers!"
Gunther, now living in New Braunfels, Texas went on to comment that the Zappos hackers made off with over 24 million customer records and that the only common factor among all compromised accounts was that each customer had paid too much for a pair of moccasins and or slippers and that they like to wear them out in public. Gunther, struggling to find the words in English, stated in his native tongue, "Meine Wolle Unterwäsche machen meine Nüsse jucken." I'm not 100% sure what this means but using the German I learned in high school I believe the translation is, "Wearing wool underwear makes my Schwanzstucker itch." Okay… not sure what that has to do with who hacked Zappos.com but Gunther must have his reasons for sharing that awesome piece of information.
Curious, I checked out the slipper selection at Zappos.com and was shocked to see some of them going for as high as $110 a pair. While I don't know what the high cost of moccasins and slippers have to do with the resent security breach at Zappos.com, it does kind of explain why I've seen a lot of adults wearing them in public, in broad daylight, and presumably of sound mind. But then again, if I paid $110 for slippers, I to would get my money's worth and wear them as much as possible, including while shopping for veggies and for sure during my five-minute lovemaking sessions. |
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