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The Unknown Blogger




Justin Bieber Talks to the Unknown Blogger

Justin Bieber broke his silence regarding his recent arrest in Miami on January 23, 2014 and granted me an exclusive phone interview.  As you may recall, Baby Bieber (as he’s affectionately known here in the Mix studios) was busted by Miami-Dade Police for street racing and charged with drunken driving, resisting arrest and driving without a valid license. Blood tests would later reveal Baby Bieber was under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, Xanax and 32 ounces of baby food.

Unknown Blogger (UB): Hi Justin. Thanks for taking time to talk with me.
Justin Bieber (JB): No problem. My daddy just woke me up from my nap so I’m all rested and ready to rap. I am hungry though so do you mind if I eat my Goldfish® crackers while we talk?
UB: Cool with me. We wouldn’t want your tummy growling during the interview.
JB: Totes
UB:  So I read the other day that you’re trying to stop the Miami police from releasing video of you making wee wee in your jail cell. Can you talk about the whole jail experience?
[ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ]
UB: Justin?
JB: Oh, sorry. Damn! I sure love me some Goldfish®. What was the question?
UB: Can you share with me what it was like to be locked up in Miami?
JB: Well I’ll say one thing, there are no Goldfish® crackers in jail and I really had the munchies. Damn bunch of meanie cops.
UB: I see. So I assume they let you make a phone call. Who did you call?
JB: Duh! Who do you think I called? I called Selena Gomez but some dude answered so I just hung up.
UB: And did the police let you call someone else?
JB: Yeah but I just kept calling Selena but that same dude kept answering so finally I was like, “Hey A-hole. Stop answering Selena’s phone and he was like this is not Selena’s phone and I was like this isn’t Selena Gomez’s phone and he says no you jackass this is Chuck E. Cheese's!” I was like, “Sorry dude - must have hit the wrong re-dial on my cell, yo.”
UB: So the cops let you use your cell phone to make the call?
JB: Well they didn’t know I had it cuz I hid it in my… never mind.  
UB: So how were you generally treated in jail? Did they jack with you because you’re a pop star or were they pretty cool?
JB: The cops sucked but my cellmate was even worse. He kept saying I was his bitch and I was like “Oh no I’m not but if you have some Goldfish® crackers then maybe we could work something out,” and he was like “Yo, listen here cracker, I got your Goldfish® crackers right here,” and I was like “Ok bitch, then let me see them crackers” but he was just lying and really didn’t have any crackers and I was about to start crying but went to my happy place instead and started singing “Be Alright” from my last album Believe.
UB: Wow. Sounds like you had a rough time. How are you doing these days?
JB: Are you kidding? I’m doin’ awesome! I got plenty of Goldfish®; I can crank call Selena as much as I want and I don’t have to worry about someone sneaking up on me trying to play a game of hide the weasel – hate that weasel game!
UB: Totes. Well on that note I gotta run but thanks for the interview and good luck with all your legal problems and stuff.
[ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ]
 
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Tags :  
Locations : Miami
People : Justin BieberSelena Gomez




 

Lindsay Lohan Suspect in Sean 'Diddy' Accident

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was recently injured in a car crash in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles. My unreliable sources tell me that speed demon Linday Lohan is a suspect in the Diddy case. Fans of Lindsay Lohan, and who isn’t, may recall that our girl Lindsay was just let off the hook from a separate auto incident where the actress was accused of hitting a man on Sept. 19 while driving a friend's car on her way to a New York hotel nightclub just after stealing jewelry from said friend’s apartment.

Speaking of stealing, Lindsay ‘Sticky Fingers’ Lohan is also in the news for allegedly stealing $15,000 worth of clothes from the set of ‘Scary Movie 5.’ Among the missing items are a Gucci purse, a Versace dress that says ‘Kick Me” on the back and a dozen pair of crotchless panties from Victoria’s Secret.

Sticky Fingers Lohan should be considered armed, well dressed and otherwise dangerously close of exposing her crotch. Should you happen to encounter Lindsay, please do not attempt to apprehend her by yourself. Instead, please call police immediately at 1-800-GETSTICKY.
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LMFAO Wins Best Lip Sync at BBMA 2012

Electropop, whatever duo LMFAO won Best Lip Sync at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards last night for their brilliant hit “Party Rock Anthem.” Faux singers Redfoo and SkyBlu were obviously pleased to win the prestigious award and said, “It’s an honor to know that the industry can recognize crappy music when they kinda hear it.”

LMFAO also took home an award for Duo with the Frizziest Hair as well as Singers Most Likely to Catch Flies with Their Mouths Open While Lip Syncing.
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Kim Kardashian Bombshell

Photo courtesy of Kalumba2009 & La Ratta (http://www.flickr.com/photos/thecanonrattman/64041963/)Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries only after 72 days of marriage. And while Kim is starting to speak up about the split with Kris and going so far as to state that her reality TV show may have had something to do with the divorce, my unreliable sources are citing other reasons behind the Kim & Kris marital conundrum.

During a recent interview with Narcissist.com, Kim broke down and started to cry and divulged that hooking up with tall, dark and handsome Kris was just a sham to conceal her dirty little secret. Turns out Kim has a thing for short, unattractive men.  Say what? Sobbing, Kim went on to say that her on-again-off-again romance with Howard Stern regular, Beetlejuice, was the real reason behind her dumping Kris. Kim added, “I know I shouldn’t be attracted to someone like Beetlejuice but there’s something irresistible and sweet about him and when he starts rapping to me, he drives me wild with desire.”

When asked if she could give an example of the rap stylings of Beetlejuice that make her weak at the knees, Kim surprising dropped to her knees (presumably to illustrate the size of Beetlejuice) and started rapping the lyrics, “Oh Kim you are so fine and you knows I loves you gurl all of da time. People say together we sure look fruity but it don’t bother me that I’m the size of your booty.”

Beetlejuice could not be reached for comment.

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Grammys, Gerber and Baby Bieber

Justin Bieber was nominated for a Grammy in the New Artist category. Seriously? By "New Artist" did the Grammys mean not talented but newly born? Not that the Grammys have any credibility in picking out talented artist in the music business, but nominating Justin Bieber for anything other than poster child for Gerber is like nominating Lindsay Lohan for the Mother Teresa of the Year award. And no I'm not disqualifying Bieber simply because he hasn't hit puberty yet. He could be old enough to grow peach fuzz and I'd still think he'd suck. The New Artist award instead went to 26-year-old jazz musician Esperanza Spalding. I have it from one of my many unreliable sources who was at the Grammys that upon hearing the news he didn't win, baby Justin threw himself on the floor and started kicking and screaming, "Esperanza is a pooh-pooh head!!!" If Baby Bieber's tantrum wasn't enough, in protest his thousands of prepubescent fans broke curfew and took to Esperanza's Wikipedia page where they wrote in numerous potty humor jokes and scribbled all over it in Crayons. But Bieber is a smart little boy and sees how the game is played. After his tantrum, his manager gave him a lollipop and a banana and Bieber dried his tears and vowed to win a Grammy next year by arriving to the ceremonies in a giant egg. I can't wait.
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L.L. Cool Corn Cob

Lindsay Lohan allegedly, temporarily borrowed (i.e. stole) a $2,500 necklace from a Venice, California, jewelry store on January 22. I'm guessing Lohan is in and out of court, jail, and rehab so often these days and otherwise not working that she's looking for creative ways to cover her legal expenses by pawning expensive jewelry that's not hers? Makes sense to me. Lindsay Lohan pled not guilty to felony grand theft on Wednesday and was released on $40,000 bail. My unreliable sources close to the investigation say that the necklace was made of gold and corn on the cob (see exclusive photo on the left). When asked why she would allegedly steal such an expensive and otherwise ridiculous necklace, Lohan replied, "I thought it was beautiful and I loves to eat me some stolen corn on the cob." In an even odder turn of events and speaking through her publicist, Lindsay Lohan now wants to be referred to as L.L. Cool Corn Cob. Stay tuned as more fascinating facts are revealed in this deliciously interesting corn cob caper.
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Britney is Back?

Apparently the preliminary success of the new single ”Hold It Against Me” by Britney Spears has allegedly stressed the comeback diva to the point where she is binge eating, packing on the pounds and shaving her head. In other words, business as usual for Ms. Spears. According to Nielsen BDS, "Hold It Against Me" already ranks as the No. 16 most-played track at pop radio stations across the country, prompting many borderline feebleminded critics and fans alike to proclaim Britney is back! But as a concerned fan I can’t help but wonder if the success of “Hold It Against Me” comes at a price and why success for the bulging balding Britney affects her in such bizarre ways? I have the scoop from an extremely unreliable source who was recently driven away from the Spears compound for refusing to procure a ninth batch of cheeseburgers, hot dogs and clipping shears for Britney, during one of her twelve-hour crazy liquor cheeseburger hot dog and shaving parties. My informant, who does not want to be identified and wishes to go by the alias of "Deep Throat," feared for his life when Ms. Spears threatened him by saying and I quote, "Feed me or I'll eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Red Bull." Deep Throat and his liver seized an opportunity to flee from the clutches of bulging Britney Scissorhands by hiding in a delivery truck owned by the 24-hour food delivery service Flying Pig, during a midnight drop-off at the Spears residence. See the escape vehicle here. It’s too early to tell if “Hold it Against Me” and Britney for that matter can hold up to the early hype. But one thing is for sure, fava beans should never be eaten with a can of Red Bull.
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Brad 2.0

Brad Womack was a contestant in 2007 on “The Bachelor” and will give it another try for “The Bachelor” 2011. When asked why he’d put himself through this all over again, Brad replied, “Because they wouldn’t have me on the reality show, “The Biggest Loser.” Okay. I know “The Bachelor” and “The Biggest Loser” are two totally different shows but anyone so desperate for love that they’d appear not once but twice on “The Bachelor” is either the biggest loser in the world of dating or just really, really horny. You may recall during the “Bachelor” 2007 finale when Brad shocked everyone except his mother by not picking skank Jenni Croft or skank DeAnna Pappas. It would take Brad years of therapy to discover the reason behind his indecision in 2007 stemmed from his issues with commitment. Duh. But now Brad swears on his stack of condoms that he is all better and ready to choose one lucky skank from the fresh batch of this year’s bachelorette skank pool. Which skank will Brad choose this time? Or will Brad once again decide to go skankless?  Guess we’ll all have to find out by watching “The Bachelor,” Mondays on ABC. Want to vote for your favorite skanky bachelorette? If so, click here.
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Snooki Does Dallas?

This past Monday Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones fired his head coach, Wade Phillips. Today I’ve learned from one of my many unreliable sources that Jones will soon announce his new pick for head coach will be Snooki, star from the hit TV series Jersey Shore.  When asked why Snooki, Jones replied, “Are you kidding? Snooki is hot and I love to watch her on TV! And if America is dumb enough to watch a bunch of losers on Jersey Shore, they’re bound to watch a bunch of losers play in Dallas, Texas.” Jones, the smartest business man on the planet, further explained his Snooki decision would leverage his ability to show Jersey Shore episodes on the ginormous, 25,000 square foot, $40 million, HDTV video screens hanging in Cowboys Stadium. Jones is pure genius. Snooki could not be reached for comment but you can congratulate her here.
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Hey Ladies - Tiger is Single

Image by Tim FarrisIt’s official. Elin Nordegren and Tiger “I’m really horny” Woods are divorced. So ladies… if you felt left out because you were the only one Tiger didn’t have an affair with, now is your chance. As my millions of readers well know, I too had an affair with “Woody” (my secret nickname for him). You can read about it here in case you missed it. But now I’m glad to know more women will no doubt be able to experience “The Woody” like I did. Elin and Woody released a joint statement via their bloodsucking lawyers stating, “We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.” Uh, right. I have it from an extremely unreliable source that Swedish-born Elin has told her friends in her native tongue, “Jag är så glad att jag inte behöver göra korvmackor med crusts avskuren för den mannen längre.” Loosely translated it means, “I'm so glad I don't have to make bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off for that man anymore.” As he and I were once lovers, I don’t feel comfortable judging Woody but you have to admit there is something wrong with a man who is not satisfied with a hot, loving blonde from Sweden. C’mon… seriously! Erin, call me. And don’t worry… I hate bologna sandwiches but love Swedish meatballs. 
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Tiger's Woody

tigersWood250The mistresses of Tiger Woods continue to come forward.  I think we are up to eleven mistresses to date. Tiger has more mistresses than he has golf balls… and being a golfer, he’s got a lot of balls. I was not going to say anything about Tiger’s inability to keep his 9 iron in his pants but I simply can’t hide the truth any longer.  Tiger Woods was my lover.  I guess that makes me number twelve but I feel more like number one. I have to admit, I was first attracted to Tiger by the way he charismatically used his woody on the golf course.  His grip on his woody is second to none and he skillfully whacks balls with it harder and longer than anyone I’ve ever seen.  Who wouldn’t be attracted to that? He always knew just what to say to me to make me feel special.  Woody (Tiger’s nickname amongst us mistresses) use to tell me that I was his favorite mistress because of all the other mistresses he’s had in a 24 hour period, they could never wear a bag on their head the way I can wear a bag on my head.  How romantic. Our love affair started like any love affair does… which is usually right after 13 Jägermeister bombs and smoking banana peels for a couple hours.  But it was over as quickly as it started and I honestly don’t remember that much accept for the memory of Woody repeatedly yelling, “FORE!” during our tawdry lovemaking. So there you have it.  But please don’t judge me for bagging the Woody.  I mean honestly… I think we’ll all soon discover there isn’t anyone Woody hasn’t slept with.
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I Just Wanna Say...

taylorandwestI was going to leave alone the debacle that occurred at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards between Taylor Swift and Kanye West. It’s not like either of them need any more publicity on the matter. But here is some breaking news. I have it from one of my many unreliable sources that the whole thing was allegedly a publicity stunt. I think anyone with a brain and a pulse knew that. But here is the real kicker. Just before my informant passed out from an overdose (apparently smoking banana peels is not good for you), he mumbled to me that Kanye has left his city girlfriend Amber Rose for country girl Swift. The photo on the left was allegedly taken by Mrs. Rose’s private investigator. Taylor and Kanye are clearly holding hands and coming out of one of Kanye’s favorite puppet show theatres in New York where many of the puppet characters routinely club each other with little wooden sticks and otherwise misbehave.The puppet shows sound like a ripoff of Punch and Judy but hey… whatever floats Kanye’s boat. So, Amber Rose. If you’re reading this and want to get even with Kanye and make him jealous, call me. I know this great puppet theatre where all the characters are made out of corncobs.
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Machete

machetelindsay250Rumor has it some Hollywood stars are in town this weekend for the filming of Robert Rodriguez’s upcoming film “Machete.”  So you just may see stars like Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba or little Lindsay Lohan walking around town. Twenty bucks says Lindsay will be spotted throwing a tantrum somewhere in Austin before the weekend is over. Machete was originally one of a couple faux-trailers Robert likes to show before his movies.  Some of you may have caught the Machete trailer before Robert’s last movie, Grindhouse. Like Grindhouse, Machete promises to have plenty of gore times a hundred.  There will be lots of blood, big blades and babes. I have it from a very unreliable source that in one scene from Machete, Lindsay is completely wasted and yelling at her girlfriend/lover, when a catfight breaks out and the couple breaks up and then they make up and then they break up and then they make up and start throwing eggs at the paparazzi and then Lindsay storms off in her car and nobody can find her for days and then… wait… that’s not a scene from Machete but real drama from Lindsay’s life. Hey I know, all Rodriquez has to do is follow around Lindsay Lohan, the actress, with the cameras rolling and have leading man Danny Trejo chase her with machetes.  CUT!  THAT’S A TAKE!  PRINT IT! I’m a freaking genius! I gotta call Robert Rodriguez. See you at the premiere!
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Katy Come Back

OK. So Katy Perry just got back together with ex-boyfriend Travis McCoy (frontman for Gym Class Heroes). Crap! Just when I was fixin' to make my move. Katy also just released her “Waking Up in Vegas” video which just happens to be the exact dream I had of her and I hookin' up in Sin City. And now she's back with the real McCoy? It's just not fair because I know she based her song “Ur So Gay” on McCoy. The full “Waking Up in Vegas” video has not been released as of this writing but you can maybe catch the whole video at Perez Hilton's site - click here. I can't bare to watch it because it just reminds me of what could have been. I'll give it a week or two and when they split up, I'll be waiting with a bouquet of daisy's (her favorite) and a brand new paper bag.
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Jessica Rolls On

jessica_dog.jpgAnd now breaking news about the continuing weight gain of Jessica Simpson... because I have nothing better to do and evidently neither do you. Now normally I would not jump on the band wagon of those eager to report that Jessica has recently been packing on the pounds but as you'll soon discover, this recent development should have some animal lovers in an uproar. Jessica and her spokespeople have denied that she is pregnant and my highly paid informants confirmed that she indeed is not carrying Tony Romo's baby. So what could explain Jessica's weight gain? To explain the mystery we'd have to go back to when Jessica, while eating a Chicken of the Sea ® tuna fish sandwich, asked, "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish?"  She gets a little confused, OK. I have it from a highly unreliable source who happens to be the taxidermist of the brother-in-law of Jessica's hair dresser that apparently Jessica's weight gain is due to an adverse reaction to her eating her dog, Daisy.  The incident occurred during an all night eating binge that included Jessica's consumption of a jumbo box of Ding Dongs ® (including the box), five bags of Uncle Salty's ® potato chips, three gallons of Ben and Jerry's ® Chunky Chicken ice cream, a pack of freshmint Tic Tacs ® and of course a ketchup covered Daisy. When asked why she would eat her beloved dog Daisy, Jessica replied, "Well my housekeeper, Tencha Consuelo Conchita Alonzo had not been grocery shopping for me in days and I was really hungry and depressed and don't hot dogs come from dogs anyway?" Jessica was also asked if she had any regrets regarding her canine consumption to which she replied, "Yeah, I wish I had the orange flavored Tic Tacs ® instead of the minty ones." Jessica could not be reached for comment.
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