Justin Bieber broke his silence regarding his recent arrest in Miami on January 23, 2014 and granted me an exclusive phone interview. As you may recall, Baby Bieber (as he’s affectionately known here in the Mix studios) was busted by Miami-Dade Police for street racing and charged with drunken driving, resisting arrest and driving without a valid license. Blood tests would later reveal Baby Bieber was under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, Xanax and 32 ounces of baby food.
Unknown Blogger (UB): Hi Justin. Thanks for taking time to talk with me. Justin Bieber (JB): No problem. My daddy just woke me up from my nap so I’m all rested and ready to rap. I am hungry though so do you mind if I eat my Goldfish® crackers while we talk? UB: Cool with me. We wouldn’t want your tummy growling during the interview. JB: Totes UB: So I read the other day that you’re trying to stop the Miami police from releasing video of you making wee wee in your jail cell. Can you talk about the whole jail experience? [ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ] UB: Justin? JB: Oh, sorry. Damn! I sure love me some Goldfish®. What was the question? UB: Can you share with me what it was like to be locked up in Miami? JB: Well I’ll say one thing, there are no Goldfish® crackers in jail and I really had the munchies. Damn bunch of meanie cops. UB: I see. So I assume they let you make a phone call. Who did you call? JB: Duh! Who do you think I called? I called Selena Gomez but some dude answered so I just hung up. UB: And did the police let you call someone else? JB: Yeah but I just kept calling Selena but that same dude kept answering so finally I was like, “Hey A-hole. Stop answering Selena’s phone and he was like this is not Selena’s phone and I was like this isn’t Selena Gomez’s phone and he says no you jackass this is Chuck E. Cheese's!” I was like, “Sorry dude - must have hit the wrong re-dial on my cell, yo.” UB: So the cops let you use your cell phone to make the call? JB: Well they didn’t know I had it cuz I hid it in my… never mind. UB: So how were you generally treated in jail? Did they jack with you because you’re a pop star or were they pretty cool? JB: The cops sucked but my cellmate was even worse. He kept saying I was his bitch and I was like “Oh no I’m not but if you have some Goldfish® crackers then maybe we could work something out,” and he was like “Yo, listen here cracker, I got your Goldfish® crackers right here,” and I was like “Ok bitch, then let me see them crackers” but he was just lying and really didn’t have any crackers and I was about to start crying but went to my happy place instead and started singing “Be Alright” from my last album Believe. UB: Wow. Sounds like you had a rough time. How are you doing these days? JB: Are you kidding? I’m doin’ awesome! I got plenty of Goldfish®; I can crank call Selena as much as I want and I don’t have to worry about someone sneaking up on me trying to play a game of hide the weasel – hate that weasel game! UB: Totes. Well on that note I gotta run but thanks for the interview and good luck with all your legal problems and stuff. [ JB crunching on his Goldfish® and not answering ]
Justin Bieber was nominated for a Grammy in the New Artist category. Seriously? By "New Artist" did the Grammys mean not talented but newly born? Not that the Grammys have any credibility in picking out talented artist in the music business, but nominating Justin Bieber for anything other than poster child for Gerber is like nominating Lindsay Lohan for the Mother Teresa of the Year award. And no I'm not disqualifying Bieber simply because he hasn't hit puberty yet. He could be old enough to grow peach fuzz and I'd still think he'd suck. The New Artist award instead went to 26-year-old jazz musician Esperanza Spalding. I have it from one of my many unreliable sources who was at the Grammys that upon hearing the news he didn't win, baby Justin threw himself on the floor and started kicking and screaming, "Esperanza is a pooh-pooh head!!!" If Baby Bieber's tantrum wasn't enough, in protest his thousands of prepubescent fans broke curfew and took to Esperanza's Wikipedia page where they wrote in numerous potty humor jokes and scribbled all over it in Crayons. But Bieber is a smart little boy and sees how the game is played. After his tantrum, his manager gave him a lollipop and a banana and Bieber dried his tears and vowed to win a Grammy next year by arriving to the ceremonies in a giant egg. I can't wait.