5. Men never wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
4. They shave off all their body hair supposedly to be faster swimmers even if they don't swim
3. They repeatedly say their mother's name during lovemaking
2. They've never watched an episode of All My Children and now it's too late because it's being canceled
1. And the number one thing all men do that disgust women... They eat large blocks of cheese and bologna while watching porn in their underwear
I know what I think about on a daily basis but I was curious if other men thought about the same things. So I decided to do a scientific survey and invited over 200 men to take part in a study to determine what goes on inside a manâs head on any given day.
Each participant was wired to a lie detector to eliminate answers that were just a bunch of bologna which made it extremely difficult as most menâs thoughts border on insanity.
The results have been compiled into a top ten list. And here it is â the top ten things men think about on a daily basis.
How much toilet paper can you flush down a toilet in one sitting?
How can I get all the sports channels for free?
Which six pack of beer has the highest alcohol content & costs less than $3?
The other day I ordered a plain cup of coffee at the counter of a local coffee shop.Â The person waiting on me was a young, attractive woman wearing a tight fitting t-shirt that read, "Talk nerdy to me."Â As she turned her back to me to reach for a clean coffee cup, I think she had what I can best describe as a wardrobe malfunction - her coin slot was in plain sight.
I quickly looked away and pretended to be interested in the daily humus on pita bread special scribbled on a chalk board because I assume no one purposely wants you to stare at their butt crack.Â Or do they?
Coin slot - the new cleavage?
Since I've been seeing more and more bum cleavage, primarily on women, my curiosity once again got the best of me.Â Do women and men who are not necessarily plumbers want you to look at their coin slot?
I decided to Google the phenomenon and discovered that coin slots became fashionable for young women and men in the early 2000s, often in tandem with the wearing of low-rise jeans.Â The fact that there is a US patent for a design for buttock cleavage revealing pants leads me to conclude that the appearance of coin slots are no accident.
Now can I harmlessly gaze upon the coin slot free of guilt and shame?
And what do you women expect of us men when you flash us the whale tail - the appearance of the waistband of a thong or g-string just above the waistline of your low-rise jeans?Â I mean when us guys don't notice or comment on, say, your new hairdo, there is hell to pay.Â So when the coin slot makes an appearance would you be crushed if we didn't say something like, "Oh, nice coin slot.Â Where did you get it?" Or maybe, "Hey my girlfriend has one just like that except it's not as hairy."
If the coin slot is socially acceptable then I for one am all for more of it.Â Maybe someone could organize a coin slot flash mob.Â Say, two or three hundred women (and I guess men just to be fair) show up at Cheddarâs because everyone knows cheese goes great with crackers.
So, do you coin slot? If so, give a brutha a break and help me understand what possible reason would you purposely shoot us the half-moon and do you mind the smile on my face?
If you're like me, minus the paper bag, you probably get a lot of SPAM email.Â I'll get beauties with subject lines like, "Update your monster to the newest tool" or "Surprise her with your steel package."Â Classy.
Most of them get caught by my enormous SPAM filter but some manage to slip through the gaping crack of my inbox.Â I then have to lovingly delete them with my hard, plastic mouse.Â Good times.
Sometimes, in an effort to remove the sticky SPAM from my bulging inbox, I accidentally release its contents onto my wide, erect monitor.Â Even worse, recently I gave into temptation and unwillingly followed a particularly meaty SPAM back to its homepage money shot.Â And what would you imagine I found on the other end?Â ViagraÂ® for men AND women.
Of course I've heard of ViagraÂ® for men although I assure you I've no need for the little blue pill, thank you very much but, ViagraÂ® for women?Â Smells fishy to me.
Growing up, every boyâs rite of passage into manhood involves dating Rosie Palmer and or getting a hold of some Spanish Fly to drive the girls wild with desire.Â But sadly I quickly learned that an aphrodisiac for women was nothing more than an urban legend and that my time would be better spent finding a cream that would remove the unsightly hair from my palms.
Fast forward years to my ViagraÂ® SPAM email and now I was intrigued.Â After all these years and through the advances in modern pharmaceuticals, could there finally be a libido enhancer for women? I mean c'mon.Â As disinterested as most women are in having sex, this would have to be one ginormous little blue pill.
After some quick research on the Internets I concluded that ViagraÂ® for women is essentially a hoax.Â Nonetheless, I was surprised to find out that there is a very large and underserved market for libido enhancers for women.
Just how large? Some 43 percent of women suffer with sexual dysfunction, compared to 31 percent of men, according to University of Chicago researcher Dr. Edward Laumann. And some $2 to $3 billion will be spent within the next ten years on products aimed at improving the sex lives of these women.
Some studies have concluded that a woman's lack of sexual desire is more psychological rather than physical.Â Ah ha!Â I knew it!Â The excuse, "Not tonight.Â I gotta headache" is pure BS.Â What she's really saying is, "Dude, I'm just not that into you."Â Ugh... wait a minute.Â I don't know which sexual barrier is worse - physical or psychological?Â Either way, they both probably mean no nookie for me tonight.
Not to worry.Â With such a throbbing market at stake, my money is on the greedy pharmaceutical companies to find a solution faster than a prom dress hits the floor. C'mon science!Â Luck be a lady tonight!
Well, it's that time of year every horny person waits for all year longâ¦ Valentineâs.Â Because letâs face it, if you can't have great sex on Valentine's, you're either not in a relationship or your married with children.
If you're like me you're probably saying, "Holy crap! Valentine's is tomorrow! I better hurry up and get my lover something special before all the good stuff is gone."Â I'll be racing to the store along with a thousand other sappy schmucks, fighting at the last minute over crap nobody else wanted.
My Valentine's list (compiled minutes before I start shopping) typically consists of the standards: a sappy card, chocolates, flowers and ill-conceived dinner plans.
I won't elaborate on what kind of card I usually buy because I think cards are over rated and a scam.Â Cards are like prescription drugs... there's one for every occasion, even the ones you've never heard of.Â âHappy Valentineâs Honey and hope your shaky leg syndrome gets better.â
Chocolatesâ¦ Ah, chocolates.Â Chocolate manufactures love Valentineâs because they have an excuse to sell us a bunch of assorted nasty chocolates stuffed in a heart-shaped box that they normally could not give away for free.Â You want some chocolate covered candy?Â I got your chocolate covered candy right here pal.
Flowers are a must on Valentineâs.Â Men: go for the dozen roses â trust me.Â Despite every woman saying, âOh you shouldnât have,â what sheâs really saying is, âOh you shouldnât have gotten me a bushel of crappy carnations for $3.99 you cheap ass, no-getting-nookie-tonight, bastard!â
Then thereâs the romantic Valentineâs dinner which Iâve never understood.Â How are you suppose to get in some quality tantric love making in the evening when youâve been stuffing your face all day with chocolates, cookies, cupcakes, and then topped off with dinner and massive amounts of alcohol?Â âStart without me Honey.Â Iâll be passed out on the bathroom floor.â
And so the pressure is on every year to make this Valentineâs more special than the last and to get or do that special something for your lover that tells them, âI love you.â
Why not take a page from Briâs Valentineâs book of love?Â Bri, one of the cast members from the JB & Sandy Morning Show, intends to give her boyfriend Jocob something every man wants on Valentineâs.Â Iâm reminded of the quote from the now defunct Newlywed game show.Â In response to a question by host Bob Eubanks about the "weirdest place youâ¦ have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee," a female contestant replied, well I think you can imagine what she said.
All these years, I thought I was a man. Now, I'm not so sure.Â I learned some deeply disturbing news just last night that has not only rocked me to my core but has caused me to seriously question my own manhood.
Last night in front of the TV as I was intently eating a two pound block of cheese with a six pack of Lonestar beer, a nightly ritual faithfully executed by every real man in America, I learned that Lingerie Super Bowl VI had been canceled.Â Upon hearing the heinous news, I started to cry like, well, a woman.
The last time I cried that hard was when my lifetime membership was revoked by a local gentlemenâs club, the Yellow Rose, for getting into a fight inside the club with a midget dancer named âLittle Woman.âÂ By the way, midgets prefer to be called little people but Little Woman deserves no such respect as sheâs just plain mean.Â Also, be warned that for some strange reason, little people have the strength of like ten gorillas.Â So beware if you ever get drunk and pick a fight with one.
While it is a serious offense for a man to cry uncontrollably like a baby, it's not what caused me to question my manhood. The fact that I didn't know there was such a thing as a lingerie super bowl much less that five of them had already taken place without my knowledge is what's caused me to become far more introspective of my manliness.Â I mean c'mon. What kind of man doesn't know that there is such thing as a lingerie super bowl where grown, sweaty, hot women, presumably in lingerie, jiggle around on a football field?
So there is such a thing as lingerie super bowl, to which I knew nothing about and now Super Bowl VI is canceled. Please lord, take me now.
As it turns out, there is an actual Lingerie Football League, The LFL has ten teams and the season opener in Chicago between Miami Caliente and Chicago Bliss is scheduled for September 4, 2009.Â Shaaaaawing!
The road back to manhood will be long and hard for me but I vow to return.
Gimmie back my mancard!