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The Unknown Blogger

Hey Ladies - Tiger is Single

Image by Tim FarrisIt’s official. Elin Nordegren and Tiger “I’m really horny” Woods are divorced. So ladies… if you felt left out because you were the only one Tiger didn’t have an affair with, now is your chance. As my millions of readers well know, I too had an affair with “Woody” (my secret nickname for him). You can read about it here in case you missed it. But now I’m glad to know more women will no doubt be able to experience “The Woody” like I did. Elin and Woody released a joint statement via their bloodsucking lawyers stating, “We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.” Uh, right. I have it from an extremely unreliable source that Swedish-born Elin has told her friends in her native tongue, “Jag är så glad att jag inte behöver göra korvmackor med crusts avskuren för den mannen längre.” Loosely translated it means, “I'm so glad I don't have to make bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off for that man anymore.” As he and I were once lovers, I don’t feel comfortable judging Woody but you have to admit there is something wrong with a man who is not satisfied with a hot, loving blonde from Sweden. C’mon… seriously! Erin, call me. And don’t worry… I hate bologna sandwiches but love Swedish meatballs. 
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Tiger's Woody

tigersWood250The mistresses of Tiger Woods continue to come forward.  I think we are up to eleven mistresses to date. Tiger has more mistresses than he has golf balls… and being a golfer, he’s got a lot of balls. I was not going to say anything about Tiger’s inability to keep his 9 iron in his pants but I simply can’t hide the truth any longer.  Tiger Woods was my lover.  I guess that makes me number twelve but I feel more like number one. I have to admit, I was first attracted to Tiger by the way he charismatically used his woody on the golf course.  His grip on his woody is second to none and he skillfully whacks balls with it harder and longer than anyone I’ve ever seen.  Who wouldn’t be attracted to that? He always knew just what to say to me to make me feel special.  Woody (Tiger’s nickname amongst us mistresses) use to tell me that I was his favorite mistress because of all the other mistresses he’s had in a 24 hour period, they could never wear a bag on their head the way I can wear a bag on my head.  How romantic. Our love affair started like any love affair does… which is usually right after 13 Jägermeister bombs and smoking banana peels for a couple hours.  But it was over as quickly as it started and I honestly don’t remember that much accept for the memory of Woody repeatedly yelling, “FORE!” during our tawdry lovemaking. So there you have it.  But please don’t judge me for bagging the Woody.  I mean honestly… I think we’ll all soon discover there isn’t anyone Woody hasn’t slept with.
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