Well, it's that time of year every horny person waits for all year longâ€¦ Valentineâ€™s.Â Because letâ€™s face it, if you can't have great sex on Valentine's, you're either not in a relationship or your married with children.
If you're like me you're probably saying, "Holy crap! Valentine's is tomorrow! I better hurry up and get my lover something special before all the good stuff is gone."Â I'll be racing to the store along with a thousand other sappy schmucks, fighting at the last minute over crap nobody else wanted.
My Valentine's list (compiled minutes before I start shopping) typically consists of the standards: a sappy card, chocolates, flowers and ill-conceived dinner plans.
I won't elaborate on what kind of card I usually buy because I think cards are over rated and a scam.Â Cards are like prescription drugs... there's one for every occasion, even the ones you've never heard of.Â â€śHappy Valentineâ€™s Honey and hope your shaky leg syndrome gets better.â€ť
Chocolatesâ€¦ Ah, chocolates.Â Chocolate manufactures love Valentineâ€™s because they have an excuse to sell us a bunch of assorted nasty chocolates stuffed in a heart-shaped box that they normally could not give away for free.Â You want some chocolate covered candy?Â I got your chocolate covered candy right here pal.
Flowers are a must on Valentineâ€™s.Â Men: go for the dozen roses â€“ trust me.Â Despite every woman saying, â€śOh you shouldnâ€™t have,â€ť what sheâ€™s really saying is, â€śOh you shouldnâ€™t have gotten me a bushel of crappy carnations for $3.99 you cheap ass, no-getting-nookie-tonight, bastard!â€ť
Then thereâ€™s the romantic Valentineâ€™s dinner which Iâ€™ve never understood.Â How are you suppose to get in some quality tantric love making in the evening when youâ€™ve been stuffing your face all day with chocolates, cookies, cupcakes, and then topped off with dinner and massive amounts of alcohol?Â â€śStart without me Honey.Â Iâ€™ll be passed out on the bathroom floor.â€ť
And so the pressure is on every year to make this Valentineâ€™s more special than the last and to get or do that special something for your lover that tells them, â€śI love you.â€ť
Why not take a page from Briâ€™s Valentineâ€™s book of love?Â Bri, one of the cast members from the JB & Sandy Morning Show, intends to give her boyfriend Jocob something every man wants on Valentineâ€™s.Â Iâ€™m reminded of the quote from the now defunct Newlywed game show.Â In response to a question by host Bob Eubanks about the "weirdest place youâ€¦ have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee," a female contestant replied, well I think you can imagine what she said.