Well, it's that time of year every horny person waits for all year long… Valentine’s. Because let’s face it, if you can't have great sex on Valentine's, you're either not in a relationship or your married with children.
If you're like me you're probably saying, "Holy crap! Valentine's is tomorrow! I better hurry up and get my lover something special before all the good stuff is gone." I'll be racing to the store along with a thousand other sappy schmucks, fighting at the last minute over crap nobody else wanted.
My Valentine's list (compiled minutes before I start shopping) typically consists of the standards: a sappy card, chocolates, flowers and ill-conceived dinner plans.
I won't elaborate on what kind of card I usually buy because I think cards are over rated and a scam. Cards are like prescription drugs... there's one for every occasion, even the ones you've never heard of. “Happy Valentine’s Honey and hope your shaky leg syndrome gets better.”
Chocolates… Ah, chocolates. Chocolate manufactures love Valentine’s because they have an excuse to sell us a bunch of assorted nasty chocolates stuffed in a heart-shaped box that they normally could not give away for free. You want some chocolate covered candy? I got your chocolate covered candy right here pal.
Flowers are a must on Valentine’s. Men: go for the dozen roses – trust me. Despite every woman saying, “Oh you shouldn’t have,” what she’s really saying is, “Oh you shouldn’t have gotten me a bushel of crappy carnations for $3.99 you cheap ass, no-getting-nookie-tonight, bastard!”
Then there’s the romantic Valentine’s dinner which I’ve never understood. How are you suppose to get in some quality tantric love making in the evening when you’ve been stuffing your face all day with chocolates, cookies, cupcakes, and then topped off with dinner and massive amounts of alcohol? “Start without me Honey. I’ll be passed out on the bathroom floor.”
And so the pressure is on every year to make this Valentine’s more special than the last and to get or do that special something for your lover that tells them, “I love you.”
Why not take a page from Bri’s Valentine’s book of love? Bri, one of the cast members from the JB & Sandy Morning Show, intends to give her boyfriend Jocob something every man wants on Valentine’s. I’m reminded of the quote from the now defunct Newlywed game show. In response to a question by host Bob Eubanks about the "weirdest place you… have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee," a female contestant replied, well I think you can imagine what she said.