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The Unknown Blogger




Thrilla on Mount Bonnella

guru mt. bonnellBeing a guru, I sure meet some very interesting albeit spiritually depraved people. And they come out of the wood work like zombies from Michael Jackson's “Thriller” except in a good way but they usually can't dance. Take for example a group of people who came to see me at one of my many sermons I now give atop of Austin's Mount Bonnell. This particular group of people all had one thing in common – they were all delusional to the point of making up stories about how they saved the world by inventing buggy software. Oh, yes. And they also had all filmed commercials touting the greatness of the Microsoft Windows 7 operating system. You've probably seen these people in commercials promoting the new Windows 7 OS, where good looking actors portray otherwise chubby, butt-ugly actors in re-enactments of moments when they first invented amazingly useful software features like computers not crashing when you, well, use them. My favorite one is the nerdy hot chick with glasses who invented the one-touch button that erases all the Albanian porn you have on your computer – apparently a useful feature when you're being targeted by the Albanian ATF for unlawful possession of pornography depicting adults wearing nothing more than funny hats and skirts.
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Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

wine250Thousands of my fans have wanted to know how my path to enlightenment is going. All will be happy to know I've continued in my quest to help others achieve enlightenment and benefit from my new found wisdom.

To date I've helped dozens of people journey down their spiritual path, including an Albanian, circus family suffering from excessive facial and body hair - a condition known as Albanian werewolf syndrome.

So what have I learned so far?

I've found the key ingredients for enlightenment are meditation, tai chi and a higher than normal intake of alcohol.

You wouldn't think alcohol would be part of your journey to Nirvana but it's true. I've specifically found it helpful if you drink seven glasses of wine just before you take a shower. Then proceed to focus all your energy on cleaning parts or your body that have probably not been touched in years and in a manner that is assuredly illegal in most southern states.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Of course, do not attempt this if you are underage or a recovering alcoholic. In which case I'd recommend substituting the 7 glasses of wine with a banana peal cigarette instead. Because we all know smoking a banana peal is organic and "organic" is good.

Actually, you shouldn't attempt any of this until you've completed my new, home-study course, "30 Days to Enlightenment with a Really Good Buzz." Available at all Walmarts and liquor stores.

Warning: the aforementioned prescription for enlightenment may cause side effects including liver problems, hangovers, nausea and vomiting. Consult your doctor before proceeding. Other side affects may occur so tell your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours, particularly if you are a woman.

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UB The Guru

UB The GuruBelieve it or not, these days some people think I’m a spiritual guru. Guess all those years I hung out at the prison chapel paid off. Lately friends and strangers come up to me and touch me like they want to be healed or something. Some, out of the blue, will give me presents like food or clothing. At first I thought it was because they thought I was homeless or something but when I asked this one female stranger why she was trying to give me her bra, she replied, “You have this spiritual aura that makes me want to give myself to you and... here…take my panties as well.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’m just a regular guy but I do have a rule to never interrupt a woman while she’s taking off her clothes. It all started about a couple of days ago when I accidentally electrocuted myself while trying to set a trap for my neighbor’s yappy dogs. By the way and before you call the SPCA, my previous posts regarding said yappy dogs may shed some light on the subject. Anyway, the accident must have somehow rewired my brain or soul because now I have this clarity I've never had before. One really cool thing is that when I open my mouth and tilt my head just right, I can pick up Mix 94.7 in my head, no radio required. So from time to time I'll share words of wisdom that I'm certain will help you to achieve enlightenment. If nothing else, I can teach you how to hypnotize people and make them do silly things like sing like Ethel Merman.
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