Itâs official. Elin Nordegren and Tiger âIâm really hornyâ Woods are divorced. So ladiesâ¦ if you felt left out because you were the only one Tiger didnât have an affair with, now is your chance.
As my millions of readers well know, I too had an affair with âWoodyâ (my secret nickname for him). You can read about it here in case you missed it. But now Iâm glad to know more women will no doubt be able to experience âThe Woodyâ like I did.
Elin and Woody released a joint statement via their bloodsucking lawyers stating, âWe are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.â Uh, right. I have it from an extremely unreliable source that Swedish-born Elin has told her friends in her native tongue, âJag Ã¤r sÃ¥ glad att jag inte behÃ¶ver gÃ¶ra korvmackor med crusts avskuren fÃ¶r den mannen lÃ¤ngre.â Loosely translated it means, âI'm so glad I don't have to make bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off for that man anymore.â
As he and I were once lovers, I donât feel comfortable judging Woody but you have to admit there is something wrong with a man who is not satisfied with a hot, loving blonde from Sweden. Câmonâ¦ seriously!
Erin, call me. And donât worryâ¦ I hate bologna sandwiches but love Swedish meatballs.
American Idol is in Austin for it's Season 10 auditions. Oh I canât wait to hear the next musical prodigy to come from the Idol loins. After all, we depend on AI to bring us such musical geniuses as Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert. Oh wait! Adam Lambert didn't win on season 8... Kris Allen did.Â So why do we still have to listen to an Idol loser?
Anyway, out of sheer boredom and because Iâm easily entertained, I took a trip to the Frank Erwin Center where would-be contestants have been lining up for audition wristbands for their chance at stardom.Â Here are the top ten things I overheard while in line.
10. Is this the line for Longhorn cheerleader tryouts?
9. Will you hold my place in line? I have to pee.
8. No I wonât hold your place! Just pee in line like I do.
7. Why does the Frank Erwin Center smell so bad?
6. My favorite AI winner of all time is Kelly Clarkson. I hope I become just as famous and just as fat as she is.
5. Is this the line for American Idol judges tryouts?
4. Iâm gay so I know Iâm going to win.
3. Thatâs rightâ¦ I won season 3 but since my career didnât go anywhere, I decided to try out again.
2. So is the âPants On The Groundâ guy dead or not?Â
1. Hey everyone lookâ¦ my pants are on the ground and Iâm peeing in line. Weeeeeeee!