5. Men never wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
4. They shave off all their body hair supposedly to be faster swimmers even if they don't swim
3. They repeatedly say their mother's name during lovemaking
2. They've never watched an episode of All My Children and now it's too late because it's being canceled
1. And the number one thing all men do that disgust women... They eat large blocks of cheese and bologna while watching porn in their underwear
I saw the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2010 last night and I think for the first time in my life I am speechless.
I was so excited that I must have passed out at least two or three times.
If you missed it, you might be able to check it out online at the CBS website.
I think I look pretty good in ladies lingerie but I can't hold a G-string to these girls.
Well, today is St. Patrick's day and I for one need no excuse to drink. In fact, I've been drinking and kissing the Blarney Stone since 10am this morning and I must admit I'm writing this blog with one eye open so as to keep the room from spinning. We'll see how long that works.
So I hit some pubs in downtown Austin, including a couple of Irish pubs where I found plenty of party goers more schnockered (âsteamboatsâ as some Irish say) than I was, am. While skipping around town, some friends and I bumped into a couple of women from Dublin in town for SXSW who were drinking in a pub I shall not name for legal reasons. One of the âyoung wansâ (young ladies) was named Katherine and she swore like an Irish sailor. I had a chat with her and her friends helped interpret her Irish slang. Interpretations are in brackets [...].
UB: So are you ladies having a great St Patty's Day?
Katherine: I'm completely steamboats and acting the maggot. [I'm seriously inebriated and not behaving in a serious manner]
UB: Ah, cool. So it's just like any other day for you, eh?
Katherine: Ah... Ballsch! Shut your pie hole. Don't be a Chancer. [Rubbish. Shut your mouth and don't push your luck]
UB: Oh, I'm just kidding. I love a woman who takes a drink or two.
Katherine: Oh relax the cacks. I'm not going to give you a clatter and you're lucky I'm a bit horned up. [Calm down. I'm not going to punch you and you're lucky I'm a bit aroused]
Katherine: What poof juice you drinking? Give me some snots and I'll get us some real drinks. [What beverage (not Guinness or beer based) are you drinking? Give me some money and I'll get us some real drinks so you can have your way with me]
UB: Uh... OK. Here's some âsnots.â Get us something manly.
Katherine: Ahhhh... you know I'm not no mingin' molly so stay right here. [You know I'm not a girl displeasing to the eye so stay here and I'll make you regret you ever met me]
I'm updating this via my iPhone so I'll let you know how my time with some real âmingin' molliesâ turns out.
Happy St. Pats!
OK. So Katy Perry just got back together with ex-boyfriend Travis McCoy (frontman for Gym Class Heroes). Crap! Just when I was fixin' to make my move.
Katy also just released her âWaking Up in Vegasâ video which just happens to be the exact dream I had of her and I hookin' up in Sin City. And now she's back with the real McCoy? It's just not fair because I know she based her song âUr So Gayâ on McCoy.
The full âWaking Up in Vegasâ video has not been released as of this writing but you can maybe catch the whole video at Perez Hilton's site - click here. I can't bare to watch it because it just reminds me of what could have been.
I'll give it a week or two and when they split up, I'll be waiting with a bouquet of daisy's (her favorite) and a brand new paper bag.
Does anyone know when the first bra was invented?Â I think I do.
Way back in 1913, a New York socialite by the name of Mary Phelps Jacob filed a patent for what we all now know as the brassiere.
Apparently Maryâs first version of a bra was no more than two silk handkerchiefs and some pink ribbon.Â Word.
Weâve come a long way, baby.Â Or have we?
I was watching TV last night and saw a commercial by Victoriaâs Secret and by the way they were carrying on you would have thought the bra had just been invented.
I think I get the point behind advertising.Â They show their commercial and ask you to buy their product.Â Got it!Â But can Victoriaâs Secret please stop running bra commercials that pretend that some major breakthrough in brassieres has just taken place and that all women, cross-dressers and transvestites should run out and buy the latest thing in bras?
I donât wear bras so it doesnât matter to me.Â OK.Â Maybe I do wear bras but thatâs only when I get really drunk and want to take advantage of myself.Â My point is that I would think most women would be offended by what Iâd consider to be false advertising by Victoriaâs Secret.Â A bra is a bra is a bra.
Women should stop being exploited by the likes of Victoriaâs Secret and rise up in protest!
I say all women should stop what theyâre doing right now and take off their bras and scream at the top of their lungs, âweâre mad as hell and weâre not buying or wearing bras anymore!â
Ladies: please feel free to use this blog as a vehicle to plan and organize your next no-more-bras protest.Â I for one will support you better than any bra ever has.
The other day I ordered a plain cup of coffee at the counter of a local coffee shop.Â The person waiting on me was a young, attractive woman wearing a tight fitting t-shirt that read, "Talk nerdy to me."Â As she turned her back to me to reach for a clean coffee cup, I think she had what I can best describe as a wardrobe malfunction - her coin slot was in plain sight.
I quickly looked away and pretended to be interested in the daily humus on pita bread special scribbled on a chalk board because I assume no one purposely wants you to stare at their butt crack.Â Or do they?
Coin slot - the new cleavage?
Since I've been seeing more and more bum cleavage, primarily on women, my curiosity once again got the best of me.Â Do women and men who are not necessarily plumbers want you to look at their coin slot?
I decided to Google the phenomenon and discovered that coin slots became fashionable for young women and men in the early 2000s, often in tandem with the wearing of low-rise jeans.Â The fact that there is a US patent for a design for buttock cleavage revealing pants leads me to conclude that the appearance of coin slots are no accident.
Now can I harmlessly gaze upon the coin slot free of guilt and shame?
And what do you women expect of us men when you flash us the whale tail - the appearance of the waistband of a thong or g-string just above the waistline of your low-rise jeans?Â I mean when us guys don't notice or comment on, say, your new hairdo, there is hell to pay.Â So when the coin slot makes an appearance would you be crushed if we didn't say something like, "Oh, nice coin slot.Â Where did you get it?" Or maybe, "Hey my girlfriend has one just like that except it's not as hairy."
If the coin slot is socially acceptable then I for one am all for more of it.Â Maybe someone could organize a coin slot flash mob.Â Say, two or three hundred women (and I guess men just to be fair) show up at Cheddarâs because everyone knows cheese goes great with crackers.
So, do you coin slot? If so, give a brutha a break and help me understand what possible reason would you purposely shoot us the half-moon and do you mind the smile on my face?
If you're like me, minus the paper bag, you probably get a lot of SPAM email.Â I'll get beauties with subject lines like, "Update your monster to the newest tool" or "Surprise her with your steel package."Â Classy.
Most of them get caught by my enormous SPAM filter but some manage to slip through the gaping crack of my inbox.Â I then have to lovingly delete them with my hard, plastic mouse.Â Good times.
Sometimes, in an effort to remove the sticky SPAM from my bulging inbox, I accidentally release its contents onto my wide, erect monitor.Â Even worse, recently I gave into temptation and unwillingly followed a particularly meaty SPAM back to its homepage money shot.Â And what would you imagine I found on the other end?Â ViagraÂ® for men AND women.
Of course I've heard of ViagraÂ® for men although I assure you I've no need for the little blue pill, thank you very much but, ViagraÂ® for women?Â Smells fishy to me.
Growing up, every boyâs rite of passage into manhood involves dating Rosie Palmer and or getting a hold of some Spanish Fly to drive the girls wild with desire.Â But sadly I quickly learned that an aphrodisiac for women was nothing more than an urban legend and that my time would be better spent finding a cream that would remove the unsightly hair from my palms.
Fast forward years to my ViagraÂ® SPAM email and now I was intrigued.Â After all these years and through the advances in modern pharmaceuticals, could there finally be a libido enhancer for women? I mean c'mon.Â As disinterested as most women are in having sex, this would have to be one ginormous little blue pill.
After some quick research on the Internets I concluded that ViagraÂ® for women is essentially a hoax.Â Nonetheless, I was surprised to find out that there is a very large and underserved market for libido enhancers for women.
Just how large? Some 43 percent of women suffer with sexual dysfunction, compared to 31 percent of men, according to University of Chicago researcher Dr. Edward Laumann. And some $2 to $3 billion will be spent within the next ten years on products aimed at improving the sex lives of these women.
Some studies have concluded that a woman's lack of sexual desire is more psychological rather than physical.Â Ah ha!Â I knew it!Â The excuse, "Not tonight.Â I gotta headache" is pure BS.Â What she's really saying is, "Dude, I'm just not that into you."Â Ugh... wait a minute.Â I don't know which sexual barrier is worse - physical or psychological?Â Either way, they both probably mean no nookie for me tonight.
Not to worry.Â With such a throbbing market at stake, my money is on the greedy pharmaceutical companies to find a solution faster than a prom dress hits the floor. C'mon science!Â Luck be a lady tonight!
Well, it's that time of year every horny person waits for all year longâ¦ Valentineâs.Â Because letâs face it, if you can't have great sex on Valentine's, you're either not in a relationship or your married with children.
If you're like me you're probably saying, "Holy crap! Valentine's is tomorrow! I better hurry up and get my lover something special before all the good stuff is gone."Â I'll be racing to the store along with a thousand other sappy schmucks, fighting at the last minute over crap nobody else wanted.
My Valentine's list (compiled minutes before I start shopping) typically consists of the standards: a sappy card, chocolates, flowers and ill-conceived dinner plans.
I won't elaborate on what kind of card I usually buy because I think cards are over rated and a scam.Â Cards are like prescription drugs... there's one for every occasion, even the ones you've never heard of.Â âHappy Valentineâs Honey and hope your shaky leg syndrome gets better.â
Chocolatesâ¦ Ah, chocolates.Â Chocolate manufactures love Valentineâs because they have an excuse to sell us a bunch of assorted nasty chocolates stuffed in a heart-shaped box that they normally could not give away for free.Â You want some chocolate covered candy?Â I got your chocolate covered candy right here pal.
Flowers are a must on Valentineâs.Â Men: go for the dozen roses â trust me.Â Despite every woman saying, âOh you shouldnât have,â what sheâs really saying is, âOh you shouldnât have gotten me a bushel of crappy carnations for $3.99 you cheap ass, no-getting-nookie-tonight, bastard!â
Then thereâs the romantic Valentineâs dinner which Iâve never understood.Â How are you suppose to get in some quality tantric love making in the evening when youâve been stuffing your face all day with chocolates, cookies, cupcakes, and then topped off with dinner and massive amounts of alcohol?Â âStart without me Honey.Â Iâll be passed out on the bathroom floor.â
And so the pressure is on every year to make this Valentineâs more special than the last and to get or do that special something for your lover that tells them, âI love you.â
Why not take a page from Briâs Valentineâs book of love?Â Bri, one of the cast members from the JB & Sandy Morning Show, intends to give her boyfriend Jocob something every man wants on Valentineâs.Â Iâm reminded of the quote from the now defunct Newlywed game show.Â In response to a question by host Bob Eubanks about the "weirdest place youâ¦ have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee," a female contestant replied, well I think you can imagine what she said.
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she was telling me about the problems she's been having with her boyfriend. When I asked her if she's discussed the issues with him, her reply was, "No, he should know how I feel without me having to tell him." I then inquired, "Is he by any chance a professional psychic?" to which she replied, "Ugh... you men are all alike."
Ya know... women have a lot of valid complaints when it comes to dealing with men but, us not being psychic should definitely not be one of them.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Top ten things women say that really mean something entirely different when talking to or about men:
10. There's no reason to be jealous. He's just a really good friend.
9. Not tonight. I have a headache.
8. All I need is a man who makes me laugh.
7. You don't have to get me anything for my birthday. Just give me your love.
6. Iâm not mad. Everything is fine, honey.
5. Noâ¦ you can't have my number. I'm dating a professional football player.
4. I don't care who he's dating now... I'm so over him.
3. I really like it when you talk dirty to me.
2. I accept you just the way you are.
1. Does this outfit make me look fat? You can be honest.
If you haven't checked out the morning show with JB & Sandy lately, you're missing out on some quality entertainment between Bri and Lauren. I haven't seen this much drama since Mo'Nique and Peaches got into a Kung Fu catfight during an episode of VH-1's "Flavor of Love."
In case you missed last Friday's show, Bri and Lauren were at it again. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version of the shows last hour:
Bri doesn't like it when Lauren talks behind her back
Lauren is jealous when Bri enjoys herself in the company of non-morning-show folk
Lauren can't take anymore of Bri's supposed drama
Bri sings with Tom Jones
Lauren pouts silently for an hour
Then Sean Connery visited the MIX studios and Bri and Lauren really went at it. See the video below for a behind the scenes look at the Bri and Lauren brawl and be sure to checkout how at the end Sandy had to break up the fight from on top of the roof.
While some might find the Bri and Lauren drama a bit much, I for one love a good train wreck in the morning so you can bet I'll keep listening with a big bowl of popcorn and a jug of bloody marys. I just wish that JB & Sandy could find some way to resolve the disputes, befitting of two young, beautiful, intelligent women. How 'bout Bri and Lauren in a game of bikini Twister, filmed in the Confessional, winner take all?