I managed to get an exclusive phone interview with Lady Gaga and it turns out her and I have a lot in common. She likes to wear meat and I like to eat it. She loves high heel shoes and I love watching her try and perform in them. And, we both look great in a thong. Here is a little bit of the interview:
Unknown Blogger: Hi Lady Gaga. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Gaga: Of course UB. I’d do anything for a man who wears a brown paper bag. You are a man, right?
Unknown Blogger: Let me check… yes, I’m a man.
Gaga: I think the paper bag is hot. Do you wear it during love making?
Unknown Blogger: That’s kind of a personal question. I don’t think I should answer that.
Gaga: Would you wear it if you and I made love together?
Unknown Blogger: [GULP]
Gaga: So why do you wear a paper bag? Are you not attractive or disfigured…?
Unknown Blogger: Oh no… I’m very attractive. Some people say I look like Woody Allen.
Gaga: I don’t know UB… I don’t think Woody Allen is very attractive.
Unknown Blogger: Maybe Woody should wear a paper bag over his head?
Unknown Blogger: Not to change the subject but can we talk about high heel shoes?
Gaga: Sure. Do you wear high heel shoes?
Unknown Blogger: Sometimes when I drink too much Jägermeister, I like dance to your music wearing nothing but a thong and high heels.
Gaga: Oh my God! That sounds hot. You sound like a naughty little monster. Not that it matters but are you gay?
Unknown Blogger: Let me check… no. I just love your music, thongs and high heels.
Gaga: Nothin’ wrong with that UB.
Unknown Blogger: I notice you fall on your ass a lot while wearing high heels. Would you ever give up your high heels for something safer and low to the ground like some Soiree flats?
Gaga: Are you being mean to me UB? I don’t fall all the time and no, I’ll never give up my high heels. I say go high or go home.
Unknown Blogger: Go high or go home. I love that… and I love you but I gotta leave you cuz our time is up. Thanks for talking to me.
Gaga: Any time UB and can you send me a picture of you in high heels wearing a thong with a paper bag on your head? That would be hot.
Unknown Blogger: Let me get some Jägermeister and I’ll see what I can do.
Seeing Sara Osburn and her sexy photos got me to thinking - maybe I should explore my sexy side as well. At first I was shy about doing a sexy photo shoot but Sara encouraged me to go for it and that brown paper bags are all the rage these days in men's sexy lingerie.
When I first arrived at the photo shoot I was really nervous but Chantelle Lace, the photographer, was a total professional. She told me to just relax, drink a bottle of Jägermeister, take off all my clothes and grab some paper bags. I told Chantelle that I didn't really like Jägermeister because the last time I drank it I woke up naked in the monkey cage at the San Antonio Zoo and the strange thing about that whole experience was that I didn't live in San Antonio. Chantelle told me the only other thing she had for me to release my inhibitions was a jug of trucker's speed mixed with paint thinner which are actually the same ingredients in Jägermeister so I decided to just go with the Jägermeister. I don't remember much after the ninth or thirteenth Jägerbomb but I hope you enjoy my sexy photo as much as I think I enjoyed posing for it.
Police in Lincoln, Nebraska have arrested the Easter Bunny for public intoxication, trespassing and indecency with a farm animal.
Sergeant Stadinko of the Lincoln police department gave details at a press conference this morning detailing the alleged activities on what is now being referred to as the “Easter Bunny Barnyard Bender.” According to Lincoln authorities, police were called to Buford T. Pusser’s farm shortly after midnight to investigate what Mr. Pusser described as “funny little horny moaning sounds” coming from behind his barnyard.
Earlier that evening while walking through his corn fields, Buford thought he saw what looked like a large fury creature dancing and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels while singing Elvis Presley songs. Buford dismissed it as a hallucination as he also had coincidentally been drinking Jack Daniels since noon that day. “I seen that large bunny drinkin’ Jack Daniels,” said Buford, “but I’d so drunk by that time that I said, nah... tant no such thing as the Easter Bunny and decided it best I stop drinkin’ myself and put some pants on.”
Shortly thereafter, Buford apparently passed out in his barn but was awoken around midnight by the “funny little horny moaning sounds” and called the police. When officers arrived at the scene they found what appeared to be the Easter Bunny trying to get his groove on with a frightened, 21-year old bunny rabbit named Trixie. One officer recalled drawing his pitchfork from his holster while asking the suspect to identify itself to which the perpetrator replied, “I’m the freakin’ Easter Bunny, pal! Now if you don’t mind, I was just about to offer Trixie here my carrot and some jelly beans.”
Officers on the scene took the Easter Bunny into custody and shortly thereafter booked Mr. Bunny into Lincoln County Lockup where he is being held without bail. When asked how this might affect this year’s Easter, Sergeant Stadinko replied, “Gosh, I sure do hope the Easter Bunny can sober up and make bail in time for Easter cuz I sure do like gettin’ my Easter basket filled with them little Peeps and jelly beans.”