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Heather Rivera
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The Unknown Blogger

UB The Guru

UB The GuruBelieve it or not, these days some people think I’m a spiritual guru. Guess all those years I hung out at the prison chapel paid off. Lately friends and strangers come up to me and touch me like they want to be healed or something. Some, out of the blue, will give me presents like food or clothing. At first I thought it was because they thought I was homeless or something but when I asked this one female stranger why she was trying to give me her bra, she replied, “You have this spiritual aura that makes me want to give myself to you and... here…take my panties as well.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’m just a regular guy but I do have a rule to never interrupt a woman while she’s taking off her clothes. It all started about a couple of days ago when I accidentally electrocuted myself while trying to set a trap for my neighbor’s yappy dogs. By the way and before you call the SPCA, my previous posts regarding said yappy dogs may shed some light on the subject. Anyway, the accident must have somehow rewired my brain or soul because now I have this clarity I've never had before. One really cool thing is that when I open my mouth and tilt my head just right, I can pick up Mix 94.7 in my head, no radio required. So from time to time I'll share words of wisdom that I'm certain will help you to achieve enlightenment. If nothing else, I can teach you how to hypnotize people and make them do silly things like sing like Ethel Merman.

02/10/2010 7:06PM
UB The Guru
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