If your burger is as big as your butt and both are large enough to have their own zip code, it might be time to give Jenny Craig a call.
I like a good cheeseburger every now and then... OK, maybe every couple hours but I think the number of patties you can have in your burger is getting a little out of control. I walked into a burger joint which shall remain nameless and one of the options was to have my burger with as many as four hamburger patties - that's over a pound of meat! Add three kinds of cheeses, bacon, mushrooms & onions sautéed in butter, a dab of mayonnaise and a side of fries and you're ready for a heart attack before you can finish your hot fudge sundae.
Four patties? C'mon! Who needs that much meat between their buns? Eww. Don't go there.
Four patties may seem harmless to you but it wasn't long ago when a two-patty hamburger seemed decadent and risky like sex without a condom. Then it was three patties and three pieces of cheese with bacon and people began to think of it as a challenge like, “how can I open my mouth wide enough to fit in all that red meat?”
And while it may not be a conspiracy, I think four patties in a hamburger is as innocuous as the tip of an iceberg.
I know as free-thinking humans and as consumers we can practice a little self-restraint but do restaurants have no shame? Will they just keep serving us whatever they think we'll eat no matter how unhealthy? What's next? A two-pound cheeseburger wrapped in bacon, rolled in beer batter, deep fried into a wad the size of a basketball and bounced over to your table? Wait. That actually sounds kind of fun and tasty.
With America playing host to some of the fattest people in the world, I doubt what we need is a bigger burger. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention indicates obesity in adults has increased by 60% within the past twenty years. Obesity is associated with many diseases, including heart disease and obesity-related deaths are on the rise, second only to tobacco-related deaths.
So there you have it. If you like a good cheeseburger, fries, milk shake and an after-dinner cigarette, there's a good chance you'll be dead by the end of this blog post.
I'm not saying restaurants that serve ginormous burgers are the root cause of obesity in America or that eating a burger now and then will kill you. But as consumers in the literal sense, shouldn't we be a little concerned about not only how much we're being offered to eat but maybe larger issues like the consequences of the industrial agricultural complex bringing all this meat to our plate and why we're so blissfully unhealthy as a result?
Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk about burgers has made me hungry. I think I'll go over to this new restaurant I heard about called Billy's Big Ass Burger Barn. They make a burger so huge, they use a wheelbarrow to bring it to you and a pitchfork to dump it onto your table. Oh, and don't worry about the resulting meat blindness. I hear you regain your sight after your fifth bowel movement.