Itâs official. Elin Nordegren and Tiger âIâm really hornyâ Woods are divorced. So ladiesâ¦ if you felt left out because you were the only one Tiger didnât have an affair with, now is your chance.
As my millions of readers well know, I too had an affair with âWoodyâ (my secret nickname for him). You can read about it here in case you missed it. But now Iâm glad to know more women will no doubt be able to experience âThe Woodyâ like I did.
Elin and Woody released a joint statement via their bloodsucking lawyers stating, âWe are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.â Uh, right. I have it from an extremely unreliable source that Swedish-born Elin has told her friends in her native tongue, âJag Ã¤r sÃ¥ glad att jag inte behÃ¶ver gÃ¶ra korvmackor med crusts avskuren fÃ¶r den mannen lÃ¤ngre.â Loosely translated it means, âI'm so glad I don't have to make bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off for that man anymore.â
As he and I were once lovers, I donât feel comfortable judging Woody but you have to admit there is something wrong with a man who is not satisfied with a hot, loving blonde from Sweden. Câmonâ¦ seriously!
Erin, call me. And donât worryâ¦ I hate bologna sandwiches but love Swedish meatballs.
The mistresses of Tiger Woods continue to come forward.Â I think we are up to eleven mistresses to date.
Tiger has more mistresses than he has golf ballsâ¦ and being a golfer, heâs got a lot of balls.
I was not going to say anything about Tigerâs inability to keep his 9 iron in his pants but I simply canât hide the truth any longer.Â Tiger Woods was my lover.Â I guess that makes me number twelve but I feel more like number one.
I have to admit, I was first attracted to Tiger by the way he charismatically used his woody on the golf course.Â His grip on his woody is second to none and he skillfully whacks balls with it harder and longer than anyone Iâve ever seen.Â Who wouldnât be attracted to that?
He always knew just what to say to me to make me feel special.Â Woody (Tigerâs nickname amongst us mistresses) use to tell me that I was his favorite mistress because of all the other mistresses heâs had in a 24 hour period, they could never wear a bag on their head the way I can wear a bag on my head.Â How romantic.
Our love affair started like any love affair doesâ¦ which is usually right after 13 JÃ¤germeister bombs and smoking banana peels for a couple hours.Â But it was over as quickly as it started and I honestly donât remember that much accept for the memory of Woody repeatedly yelling, âFORE!â during our tawdry lovemaking.
So there you have it.Â But please donât judge me for bagging the Woody.Â I mean honestlyâ¦ I think weâll all soon discover there isnât anyone Woody hasnât slept with.