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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 25 2012 11:48AM
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 Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was recently injured in a car crash in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles. My unreliable sources tell me that speed demon Linday Lohan is a suspect in the Diddy case. Fans of Lindsay Lohan, and who isn’t, may recall that our girl Lindsay was just let off the hook from a separate auto incident where the actress was accused of hitting a man on Sept. 19 while driving a friend's car on her way to a New York hotel nightclub just after stealing jewelry from said friend’s apartment.
Speaking of stealing, Lindsay ‘Sticky Fingers’ Lohan is also in the news for allegedly stealing $15,000 worth of clothes from the set of ‘Scary Movie 5.’ Among the missing items are a Gucci purse, a Versace dress that says ‘Kick Me” on the back and a dozen pair of crotchless panties from Victoria’s Secret.
Sticky Fingers Lohan should be considered armed, well dressed and otherwise dangerously close of exposing her crotch. Should you happen to encounter Lindsay, please do not attempt to apprehend her by yourself. Instead, please call police immediately at 1-800-GETSTICKY.
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted May 21 2012 11:30AM
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 Electropop, whatever duo LMFAO won Best Lip Sync at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards last night for their brilliant hit “Party Rock Anthem.” Faux singers Redfoo and SkyBlu were obviously pleased to win the prestigious award and said, “It’s an honor to know that the industry can recognize crappy music when they kinda hear it.”
LMFAO also took home an award for Duo with the Frizziest Hair as well as Singers Most Likely to Catch Flies with Their Mouths Open While Lip Syncing. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Nov 2 2011 2:11PM
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 Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries only after 72 days of marriage. And while Kim is starting to speak up about the split with Kris and going so far as to state that her reality TV show may have had something to do with the divorce, my unreliable sources are citing other reasons behind the Kim & Kris marital conundrum.
During a recent interview with Narcissist.com, Kim broke down and started to cry and divulged that hooking up with tall, dark and handsome Kris was just a sham to conceal her dirty little secret. Turns out Kim has a thing for short, unattractive men. Say what? Sobbing, Kim went on to say that her on-again-off-again romance with Howard Stern regular, Beetlejuice, was the real reason behind her dumping Kris. Kim added, “I know I shouldn’t be attracted to someone like Beetlejuice but there’s something irresistible and sweet about him and when he starts rapping to me, he drives me wild with desire.”
When asked if she could give an example of the rap stylings of Beetlejuice that make her weak at the knees, Kim surprising dropped to her knees (presumably to illustrate the size of Beetlejuice) and started rapping the lyrics, “Oh Kim you are so fine and you knows I loves you gurl all of da time. People say together we sure look fruity but it don’t bother me that I’m the size of your booty.”
Beetlejuice could not be reached for comment.
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 Justin Bieber was nominated for a Grammy in the New Artist category. Seriously? By "New Artist" did the Grammys mean not talented but newly born? Not that the Grammys have any credibility in picking out talented artist in the music business, but nominating Justin Bieber for anything other than poster child for Gerber is like nominating Lindsay Lohan for the Mother Teresa of the Year award. And no I'm not disqualifying Bieber simply because he hasn't hit puberty yet. He could be old enough to grow peach fuzz and I'd still think he'd suck. The New Artist award instead went to 26-year-old jazz musician Esperanza Spalding. I have it from one of my many unreliable sources who was at the Grammys that upon hearing the news he didn't win, baby Justin threw himself on the floor and started kicking and screaming, "Esperanza is a pooh-pooh head!!!" If Baby Bieber's tantrum wasn't enough, in protest his thousands of prepubescent fans broke curfew and took to Esperanza's Wikipedia page where they wrote in numerous potty humor jokes and scribbled all over it in Crayons. But Bieber is a smart little boy and sees how the game is played. After his tantrum, his manager gave him a lollipop and a banana and Bieber dried his tears and vowed to win a Grammy next year by arriving to the ceremonies in a giant egg. I can't wait. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 Lindsay Lohan allegedly, temporarily borrowed (i.e. stole) a $2,500 necklace from a Venice, California, jewelry store on January 22. I'm guessing Lohan is in and out of court, jail, and rehab so often these days and otherwise not working that she's looking for creative ways to cover her legal expenses by pawning expensive jewelry that's not hers? Makes sense to me. Lindsay Lohan pled not guilty to felony grand theft on Wednesday and was released on $40,000 bail. My unreliable sources close to the investigation say that the necklace was made of gold and corn on the cob (see exclusive photo on the left). When asked why she would allegedly steal such an expensive and otherwise ridiculous necklace, Lohan replied, "I thought it was beautiful and I loves to eat me some stolen corn on the cob." In an even odder turn of events and speaking through her publicist, Lindsay Lohan now wants to be referred to as L.L. Cool Corn Cob. Stay tuned as more fascinating facts are revealed in this deliciously interesting corn cob caper. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 Apparently the preliminary success of the new single âHold It Against Meâ by Britney Spears has allegedly stressed the comeback diva to the point where she is binge eating, packing on the pounds and shaving her head. In other words, business as usual for Ms. Spears.
According to Nielsen BDS, "Hold It Against Me" already ranks as the No. 16 most-played track at pop radio stations across the country, prompting many borderline feebleminded critics and fans alike to proclaim Britney is back! But as a concerned fan I canât help but wonder if the success of âHold It Against Meâ comes at a price and why success for the bulging balding Britney affects her in such bizarre ways?
I have the scoop from an extremely unreliable source who was recently driven away from the Spears compound for refusing to procure a ninth batch of cheeseburgers, hot dogs and clipping shears for Britney, during one of her twelve-hour crazy liquor cheeseburger hot dog and shaving parties. My informant, who does not want to be identified and wishes to go by the alias of "Deep Throat," feared for his life when Ms. Spears threatened him by saying and I quote, "Feed me or I'll eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Red Bull." Deep Throat and his liver seized an opportunity to flee from the clutches of bulging Britney Scissorhands by hiding in a delivery truck owned by the 24-hour food delivery service Flying Pig, during a midnight drop-off at the Spears residence. See the escape vehicle here.
Itâs too early to tell if âHold it Against Meâ and Britney for that matter can hold up to the early hype. But one thing is for sure, fava beans should never be eaten with a can of Red Bull. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 Brad Womack was a contestant in 2007 on âThe Bachelorâ and will give it another try for âThe Bachelorâ 2011. When asked why heâd put himself through this all over again, Brad replied, âBecause they wouldnât have me on the reality show, âThe Biggest Loser.â
Okay. I know âThe Bachelorâ and âThe Biggest Loserâ are two totally different shows but anyone so desperate for love that theyâd appear not once but twice on âThe Bachelorâ is either the biggest loser in the world of dating or just really, really horny.
You may recall during the âBachelorâ 2007 finale when Brad shocked everyone except his mother by not picking skank Jenni Croft or skank DeAnna Pappas. It would take Brad years of therapy to discover the reason behind his indecision in 2007 stemmed from his issues with commitment. Duh. But now Brad swears on his stack of condoms that he is all better and ready to choose one lucky skank from the fresh batch of this yearâs bachelorette skank pool.
Which skank will Brad choose this time? Or will Brad once again decide to go skankless? Guess weâll all have to find out by watching âThe Bachelor,â Mondays on ABC.
Want to vote for your favorite skanky bachelorette? If so, click here. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 This past Monday Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones fired his head coach, Wade Phillips. Today Iâve learned from one of my many unreliable sources that Jones will soon announce his new pick for head coach will be Snooki, star from the hit TV series Jersey Shore. When asked why Snooki, Jones replied, âAre you kidding? Snooki is hot and I love to watch her on TV! And if America is dumb enough to watch a bunch of losers on Jersey Shore, theyâre bound to watch a bunch of losers play in Dallas, Texas.â
Jones, the smartest business man on the planet, further explained his Snooki decision would leverage his ability to show Jersey Shore episodes on the ginormous, 25,000 square foot, $40 million, HDTV video screens hanging in Cowboys Stadium. Jones is pure genius.
Snooki could not be reached for comment but you can congratulate her here. |
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 Itâs official. Elin Nordegren and Tiger âIâm really hornyâ Woods are divorced. So ladies⦠if you felt left out because you were the only one Tiger didnât have an affair with, now is your chance.
As my millions of readers well know, I too had an affair with âWoodyâ (my secret nickname for him). You can read about it here in case you missed it. But now Iâm glad to know more women will no doubt be able to experience âThe Woodyâ like I did.
Elin and Woody released a joint statement via their bloodsucking lawyers stating, âWe are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.â Uh, right. I have it from an extremely unreliable source that Swedish-born Elin has told her friends in her native tongue, âJag är sÃ¥ glad att jag inte behöver göra korvmackor med crusts avskuren för den mannen längre.â Loosely translated it means, âI'm so glad I don't have to make bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off for that man anymore.â
As he and I were once lovers, I donât feel comfortable judging Woody but you have to admit there is something wrong with a man who is not satisfied with a hot, loving blonde from Sweden. Câmon⦠seriously!
Erin, call me. And donât worry⦠I hate bologna sandwiches but love Swedish meatballs.
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by Unknown Blogger
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posted Oct 31 2011 3:37PM
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 The mistresses of Tiger Woods continue to come forward. I think we are up to eleven mistresses to date.
Tiger has more mistresses than he has golf balls⦠and being a golfer, heâs got a lot of balls.
I was not going to say anything about Tigerâs inability to keep his 9 iron in his pants but I simply canât hide the truth any longer. Tiger Woods was my lover. I guess that makes me number twelve but I feel more like number one.
I have to admit, I was first attracted to Tiger by the way he charismatically used his woody on the golf course. His grip on his woody is second to none and he skillfully whacks balls with it harder and longer than anyone Iâve ever seen. Who wouldnât be attracted to that?
He always knew just what to say to me to make me feel special. Woody (Tigerâs nickname amongst us mistresses) use to tell me that I was his favorite mistress because of all the other mistresses heâs had in a 24 hour period, they could never wear a bag on their head the way I can wear a bag on my head. How romantic.
Our love affair started like any love affair does⦠which is usually right after 13 Jägermeister bombs and smoking banana peels for a couple hours. But it was over as quickly as it started and I honestly donât remember that much accept for the memory of Woody repeatedly yelling, âFORE!â during our tawdry lovemaking.
So there you have it. But please donât judge me for bagging the Woody. I mean honestly⦠I think weâll all soon discover there isnât anyone Woody hasnât slept with. |
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